


Love Of My Life

by DestielHardcoreLove, Swlfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Divorce, F/M, Getting Back Together, M/M, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-08 15:03:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15932852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DestielHardcoreLove/pseuds/DestielHardcoreLove, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swlfangirl/pseuds/Swlfangirl
Summary: They were happy until they weren't.  Hidden truths and insecurity prove to be too much and soon everything just falls apart.





	Love Of My Life

**Author's Note:**

> This story may feel like the same theme as Never Wanted to Forget You. I was feeling especially angsty and this is what came of it. It doesn't help that both stories were written relatively close to each other lol.

 

* * *

 

_ Love of my life, you've hurt me _

_ You've broken my heart, and now you leave me _

 

_ Love of my life, can't you see? _

 

_ Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me _

_ Because you don't know what it means to me _

 

_ Love of my life, don't leave me _

_ You've taken my love, you now desert me _

 

_ Love of my life can't you see? _

 

_ Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me _

_ Because you don't know what it means to me _

 

_ You will remember, when this is blown over _

_ And everything's all by the way _

_ When I grow older, I will be there at your side, to remind you _

_ How I still love you - I still love you _

* * *

 

  
  


_ Castiel had just stepped out of the shower when strong arms wrapped around his middle.  He smiled as something hard pressed against his ass and he groaned, leaning his head back to drop against his husband’s shoulder. _

 

_ “Someone’s home hungry,” Castiel grinned.  It was mostly...well completely his fault. He was off today from work and Dean had to pull a double at the warehouse.  Of course Castiel got incredibly horny and of course he had to send pictures and videos the entire twelve hours his husband was at work.  He wanted Dean just as horny as he was when he got home. _

 

_ “Not my fault you taste so damn good sweetheart,” Dean grinned, biting down on the soft part of Cas’ neck that drove him insane. He grinned at the moan that came from his husband and it only widened further when he felt more of Castiel’s weight on his arms, a sign that his legs were too unsteady to hold him up.  _

 

_ “Been waiting all day for this, bed...now.”  _

 

_ “Mm, yes sir,” Castiel teased, knowing too well how that simple word made Dean breathe a little harder.  They were pretty damn vanilla when it came to anything other than “normal” sex but they did experiment here and there.  Castiel turned around and gripped Dean’s hardening cock, “It’s a good thing I stretched myself in the shower huh? Don’t even have to wait,” he grinned walking backwards towards the bed, practically pulling Dean by his dick. _

 

_ “Fuck,” Dean hissed, enjoying the feeling of Castiel’s long thin fingers wrapped around him far too much for what it was. With the images and videos that had flooded his phone though, he was as strung out as he’d ever been for it. _

 

_ “No, not good enough,” Dean told himself, grunting as he bucked forward and pushed Cas back on the bed. He lifted this beautiful thighs until he could slip between them enjoying the dark lust in those big blue eyes. “Want it like this or on your stomach?” _

 

_ “However you want me baby, use me up like I know you want to,” Castiel groaned, rolling his hips up to get some friction against Dean.  He’d been so strung out the entire day it didn’t matter what position Dean put him in as long as he got inside of him soon.  _

 

_ Dean reached for the lube and smiled down at his lover, “Like this then, so I can see that beautiful face.”  _

 

_ He tested to see how much stretching had been done, when two of his fingers slid in without resistance, he groaned in approval. “Love it when you get yourself ready for me but sometimes I think you do it just to spoil my fun,” he teased, stroking some lube up and down the full length of his cock a few times.  _

 

_ Castiel licked his lips and watched Dean’s hand, “If I did that, I would do it in front of you and not let you touch me while I did it,” he said and reached out to take over stroking Dean, dragging his thumb hard over the tip, “Ungh, get in me baby.” _

 

_ Dean grunted a bit at the delicious scenes from his imagination that were spurred up, but lined himself up quickly. The tip pushed in and there was a tight clench and his breath hitched. When he looked down Castiel was grinning up at him with a mischievous glint in his eye. Dean remedied that by easing his hips forward just enough to make Castiel’s eyes flutter shut.  _

 

_ “Not so cocky now, are you,” he chuckled, rolling his hips forward until he bottomed out inside the slick, tight heat.  _

 

_ Castiel huffed out a laugh as he picked up his hips and rolled in tandem with Dean, the room filling with their moans, “Oh I don’t know...I’m pretty cocky,” he snorted.  His head fell back with his next breath and groaned low in his throat. It didn’t matter how many years they were together or how often they did this, Castiel would never get over the feeling of Dean fucking into him.  Dean knew him inside and out, and he used that information each time to drive Castiel wild.  _

 

_ “C’mon Dean,” Castiel whined, one hand going into Dean’s hair while the other slapped at his husband’s ass. _

 

_ “Oh no you don’t,” Dean said, slowing his pace. He almost stopped completely to push himself up on his knees a little further so that he had a bit more leverage and could reach that perfect angle that turned Cas into a damn feral tomcat.  _

 

_ Before he used it though, he just smiled at Cas. “You spent all day driving me insane with this gorgeous body of yours, I think I’ve earned the right to take my time.”  _

 

_ “Fiiiine,” Castiel whined taking his hands off of Dean to grip the top of mattress above his head.  Staying true to his word Dean did take his time, alternating between slow and hard, only sometimes giving Castiel fast when he whined enough.  Castiel was a mess, his body like one long strung out livewire as he trembled under Dean’s sweat slicked body. _

 

_ “Fuck baby please, please,” he whimpered, rolling his hips up as much as Dean’s grip would allow. _

 

_ “You want it, need it don’t you...can see it in those baby blues,” Dean said, grunting a bit as he pushed forward with a hard roll of his hips. He could feel his thighs trembling a bit as he kept up the slow, steady rhythm. But it was almost over, no matter how hard he tried to slow it down, Cas still felt like a fucking dream and Dean was aching for release.  _

 

_ “Arlight, gonna give it to you, Sweetheart. Gonna make you spill so pretty for me, C’mon Cas, take what you need.”  _

 

_ Castiel nodded eagerly and released his hands from the mattress to clutch at his husbands shoulders.  They worked together to get up to a hard and fast rhythm, the room filling with the sounds of their moans and skin against skin.   _

 

_ “Ah, fuck, yes, there Dean, there!” Castiel shouted, dragging his nails down Dean’s back as he arched up off the bed.  One more pointed thrust and Castiel came with a cry, his body clenching tight around Dean as he kept hammering into him. _

 

_ “Fu-fuck,Cas-Fuuuck.” That perfect bite of stinging pain in his shoulder that let him know his lover was close, pushed Dean over the edge. His hips kept going, thrusting into the delicious heat that tightened around him as he held on tightly to the man he loved.  _

 

_ “Ungh, fuck Dean,” Castiel groaned, turning his head to suck and bite and Dean’s salty skin, “Love it when you don’t stop.”  There was a distant buzzing noise that Castiel quickly ignored. He knew that it was Dean’s phone and even worse that it was probably Dean’s boss.   _

 

_ “No, don’t even think about it Winchester,” Castiel grumbled when Dean’s head jerked in the direction of his phone, “You’re still inside of me, do not even try to answer that damn thing.” _

 

_ “Cas-I-,” he started, biting his lip. He didn’t want to answer it but he also didn’t not want to answer it. The hours he’d been taking on were all part of his plan. He wanted to surprise Cas with it but it was becoming harder and harder to keep it a secret.  _

 

_ “Sorry sweetheart, it might be something serious,” Dean said, instantly missing the wet heat he slipped out of as he pulled away to reach for the phone. _

 

_ Castiel glared at him and sighed heavily.  There was no doubt about it, Dean was going to get called back in because yet another dumbass probably called out.  His ramped up libido soured and he rose up from the bed to take another shower. Usually he loved being wrapped around Dean as they cooled down but now he just felt sticky and gross. _

 

_ He didn’t stay to hear the inevitable conversation but stepped back into the shower stall to turn on the hot water. _

 

_ Dean stared down at the phone in his hand once he disconnected and part of him just felt wrong. It was meant to be a happy thing, him saving up to build on a nursery or a bedroom, but he felt sick about it a lot and it had stopped feeling like it was something to look forward to. He frowned, but walked into the bathroom with a smile. There was no sense in both of them being miserable, though he was pretty sure Cas was rightfully upset with him.  _

 

_ “Hey, sorry about that...I have to go in for a few hours but we’ll talk over dinner tonight, okay? I-I’ve got something to tell you and I really hope you’ll understand all these crazy hours I’ve been working,” he said through the fogged up shower door.  _

 

_ When there was no response, he frowned but wiped himself off with a washcloth and water from the sink, and then got back into his uniform.  _

 

_ He had work to do. _

* * *

  
  


“Hey coach!” Ben called out, running toward the dugout as fast as his little legs would carry him, which was actually pretty quick. 

 

“Yeah bud?” Dean said, smiling as the boy took a second to catch his breath. 

 

“You wanna come over tonight? Mom’s making spaghetti!” 

 

Dean smiled, though he was sure it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “No can do, kid. You know how I love your mom’s spaghetti but I already have plans, maybe next week.” 

 

“Okay, see you later Coach!” 

 

Dean shook his head. He’d never expected to love it as much as he did but the moment he met those kids it settled something inside him that had been wild and restless for a long time. It didn’t fill the void in his chest that seemed to grow bigger every day, but it eased the ache of what was missing,  _ just a little. _

 

He grabbed the gear bag and threw it over his shoulder as he walked toward the Impala. 

 

At the bar where he met Benny that night there was a decent looking guy that eyed him up for the better part of their evening but his eyes weren’t the right shade of blue, and his hair was too short, and it just felt wrong.

 

Benny watched as Dean kept looking over at the hot guy at the other end of the bar.  But like always, Dean never took the bait. Benny had loved Castiel but he turned into a little shit and broke his best friend’s heart.  He was not okay with that.

 

“Dean, you know I love ya.  You’re my brother. Don’t you think it’s about time...you know, to move on?” Benny asked.

 

“Probably, now ask me if I’m going to Ben...cause we both know the answer to that,” he said, a snort escaping him. He didn’t know if it was because the idea was so laughable or if he was just that damn frustrated with the whole situation.

 

“He was  _ it _ for me, there’s no moving on when you’ve had...when you’ve had what we had. Not for me anyway,” he said, draining the last few gulps of his beer. 

 

“Thanks for checkin’ up on me, man. We’ll get together again soon,” he lied, they both knew it would be another month before Benny all but dragged him out of the house. Both because the man had his own damn life but also because deep down, he must have known exactly how fucked up and broken Dean was without Cas. 

 

Before Benny could say anything else on the matter Dean had his jacket pulled over his shoulders and was stepping outside. The cool air on his face felt nice but it did nothing to drain the turmoil rolling inside him. The ache he felt from the moment Cas left was so deep and so unbearable that he’d had to go numb under its weight just to carry it. Every once in a while bits and pieces of it would carve him up as the memories passed through his mind. 

 

He’d thought he’d known hell, living with John Winchester, raising Sammy, none of that had been easy. It was nothing,  _ nothing _ compared to living without Cas. 

 

Dean swallowed hard and shook his head. Not tonight, he didn’t have enough booze at home to black out and he couldn’t deal with it any other way. So he just pushed it back down, buried it deeper inside himself until he went numb again. 

 

_ Rinse, Repeat. _

 

He tossed his phone on the table by the bed and pulled his laptop out.. He needed something that would provide some release, a faceless body that would get the job done. 

 

There was an icon by his mail and Dean stared at it a few beats in confusion. He never had personal emails. There were the ones he got for work, they alerted on his phone, but nobody really used his private email anymore. 

 

He clicked on it and was immediately overwhelmed with a thousand different emotions. The urge to throw the laptop across the room was in the very forefront of his mind but he knew he wouldn’t, couldn’t. 

 

_ It was Cas.  _

 

Instead, he sucked in a deep breath and opened it. 

 

_ Hello Dean, _

 

_ Every once and awhile I get these ridiculous reminders from Facebook that you exist and I kind of hate you for that.  Just so you can see what I did a few minutes ago here. _

  


_ I’ll be perfectly fine, finally able to breathe again and then pop, here comes a reminder of the life we used to have.  And I’ll end up staring at these damn pictures for hours, obsessing over them. Did it actually happen...was it even real?  _

 

_ Fuck. _

 

_ I miss you Dean Winchester and I absolutely hate myself for that. _

 

_ Just ignore this, go on with your day. _

 

_ I’m sorry I bothered you. _

 

_ Castiel _

  
  
  


A dark, hollow noise escaped him but he hit the reply button and his fingers moved across the keyboard unbidden. 

  
  


_ Castiel, _

 

_ I wish I could say the same. I wish I could tell you that when I saw those pictures I hated you and everything we aren’t anymore. Unfortunately, loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done and losing you the hardest. The pain of it is always there, hiding in the background waiting to cut me open at a moment’s notice. I’ve learned how to stay numb for a while, it helps. And yet somehow no matter the time or distance, I hear your name and there’s a phantom clench in my chest where my heart used to be.  _

 

_ Hate me if you want, hate yourself if you must, but just so we’re clear here...there’s never going to be a day when I don’t love you.  _

 

_ Barely breathing, _

 

_ Dean. _

 

Castiel drowned the rest of the vodka and tossed the bottle into the garbage.  It wasn’t enough. Not nearly. He’d barely gotten a buzz and if anything, it just made the ache in his chest that much worse.  God he hated facebook. The very fragile bandaid he had on his heart was always ripped to shreds every time the stupid site decided to throw it in his face how badly he’d messed up.

 

Sighing heavily he was about to drag himself in the shower when his phone buzzed.  It was coming from a new message in his email and he swallowed the sudden bile. He’d sent that email on a whim and regretted it the second he hit enter.  And now here this was, a reply from Dean. He didn’t have to open it to know...he knew Dean better than anyone, including himself. 

 

“Hate me if you want...fuck,” Castiel slumped down on his couch and took in a deep breath to keep from hyperventilating.  He hadn’t meant it that way. It was difficult reading the rest of it, his eyes were blurring over and his chest hurt so badly he couldn't breathe.

 

Castiel swiped the message away with his thumb and opened his contact list.  Dean was still in there of course, even after a year of being divorced he couldn’t handle deleting such an important number.  He hesitated for a second but it was long enough for him to chuck his phone at the wall. God why was he so stupid? Not only to push away the most important person in his life but to send that stupid email!  

 

“God dammit,” Castiel muttered.  He needed to email Dean back at least, to explain that he didn’t hate him.  He never wanted Dean to think that. His phone was under the couch and of course, now it wouldn’t turn on.  Sighing heavily he found his laptop still in his messenger bag and quickly booted it up.

 

_ Dean,  _

 

_ I’m so sorry.  I’m a bit inebriated at the moment and should have re read that email before sending it.  Or just never have sent it in the first place. Nothing I can do about that but I can apologize. _

 

_ I could never hate you Dean.  Never. What I do hate is how these memories bring so much pain now.  Where before I would look at our albums with so much joy. Now all I can seem to do is cry.  So stupid, I don’t think I ever cried this much in my life before. _

 

_ I’m also sorry for emailing you out of the blue and disturbing any semblance of peace you may have began to have.  And since I know you, I know you’re blaming yourself for what happened. Please don’t. That was me. All of it. I lied to you and then… _

 

_ Just know that it’s not you that did this to us, you tried to hold us together.  I ripped us apart and I will never not be sorry. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. _

 

_ Cas _

 

Castiel stared at the email for a good five minutes before sending it with a soft muttered curse.  He needed more alcohol and vodka wasn’t doing it for him. He waited a minute to see if Dean would reply before shaking his head and snatching up his keys to go to the liquor store.

  
  
  


Dean blinked at the screen of his laptop for a long time realizing there was absolutely no way he was going to be able to get through the jerk off session he’d intended, he almost shut it off and went to bed. He was just about to do that when  _ ding _ happened and there was the notification again. 

 

He chewed his lip and pretended for a moment that he wouldn’t open it, that he’d just go to bed and leave it for the morning but it was  _ Cas _ and there was never really any way of avoiding him, not that he wanted to. Cas had always been inevitable for him, just...the way it had felt when they were together it was like a million lifetimes in a million universes and in each and every single one it was Dean and Cas, Cas and Dean. 

 

He opened his mailbox, because he was always going to and read through the words with a distance that managed to surprise him. He thought the pain would be much more visceral but when Cas mentioned the lie it didn’t cut through him the way it had a year ago, a little over now. It had hurt then, he’d felt betrayed in a way he didn’t know was possible but looking back on the last year of his life without Cas and it all just seemed... _ unimportant _ . 

 

_ Cas, _

 

_ No need to apologize for reaching out.  _

 

_ It’s never going to bother me to hear from you and I’m never not going to be available if you need me.  _

 

_ Take care of yourself, _

 

_ Dean. _

 

He didn’t wait up any longer, just closed the screen and sat his laptop on the nightstand. If he could just make it through the night, and then the day, and then the next night. Everything would be okay again eventually. 

 

* * *

  
  


Dean pushed through the door to the office and smiled at the ridiculous redhead with her headphones on, feet on the desk, staring down at her phone, jamming out to something. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was exactly. He was grateful that Charlie had wrangled the job for him though.

 

After that night, he just couldn’t bring himself to go back to the warehouse where he’d spent all those hours working for a future he’d never have.

 

He snuck up behind her, tugging on her chair a bit making her jump. He started to laugh before he saw the guilty look on her face and how fast she’d closed her phone down. 

 

“What, what is it?” 

 

“Um, nothing.  It’s nothing Dean, don’t worry about it.  So, what’s on the agenda for today?” she asked quickly trying to change the subject.

 

“Charlie…” he said, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat on the corner of her desk. “What were you looking at? I know it wasn’t porn, you’re not ashamed of porn. So out with it, what was it?” 

 

Charlie gritted her teeth and tried to give him an innocent smile but this time it didn’t work.  Sighing she unlocked her phone and showed Dean the facebook memory.

 

 **Charlie Bradbury** is with _Dean Winchester_ and _Castiel Novak_

When your best friends come over for a massive game night in the basement and then end up going on a romantic boat ride a week later.  No thanks needed boys! Sheesh.  _ #Goals _

  
  


The hint of a smile he’d built up faded away quickly when he saw what was on her phone, but he couldn’t blame her. Apparently, Cas wasn’t the only one being reminded of how good things used to be. 

 

“Annnd this is why I don’t do Facebook anymore,” Dean said, forcing a smile to his face, “Don’t worry about it Charlie, it’s fine.” 

 

Charlie quickly put her phone away and chewed on her bottom lip, “So um, are you okay Dean?” She asked and then quickly regretted it.  Of course Dean wasn’t okay. Benny had called her about the disaster hang out session they had at the bar. Charlie had been racking her brain trying to figure out something, no matter how small, to help her friend.

 

“I’m fine, Charls. As fine as I’m gonna get at least,” he said, feeling the words turn to ash on his tongue. It was true, he wasn’t going to get better, not without Cas. 

 

“I’mma head out, the guys need anything special today or can I just get to work?” 

 

Charlie scrambled to bring up the day’s schedule on her computer, “You can just get to work Dean,” she said and he was nearly out the door when she jumped up from her chair, “Hey, I’m having a get together this weekend.  You’ll come yeah?”

 

He couldn’t lie to her, not the way he did to Benny at least. The man knew the score and he dealt with it. If Dean told Charlie he’d be there and didn’t show up, she’d be hurt. “I don’t know Charls, I-I can try.” 

 

“That’s all I can hope for,” she said with a small smile.

 

Dean nodded his head and ducked out the door before he could think any more about it. He was just grateful he’d be able to tear some shit down. 

 

Dean Winchester absolutely loved Demo Day. 

 

As long as there was something to break, Dean was happy. Well maybe  _ happy _ was a generous description, but he was...distracted and somewhat content. It was when the walls came down and the dozer got to work and the trash was collected and the end of his shift rolled around, that things started to come back. 

 

The little cuts and slices from the memories that hung there, just out of sight, started to fester and ache once again. 

 

“Hey good work today man, see ya tomorrow?” Victor called out with a wave.  Dean looked a bit distracted which wasn’t too uncommon these days. 

 

“Yeah, see ya.” Dean said, though probably not loud enough for Vic to hear him. He just forced a smile and tipped his head before walking with purpose straight toward the Impala. 

 

He grabbed a pizza on the way home and stuffed himself full on it before finally giving into the images that had haunted him all day and let the memories flood back over him. 

 

_ “Woah, who’s that?” Dean asked Charlie, blinking his eyes in surprise. He had seen a lot of good looking people in his life but the guy smiling in the corner was easily the most beautiful of them all.  _

 

_ “Oh you mean the dork in the trench coat?  That’s Castiel,” Charlie laughed, rolling her eyes fondly.  Cas didn’t go anywhere without that stupid thing. She was about to make another teasing comment about it when she caught Dean staring at him.  Grinning she tapped the underneath his chin, “Careful, you’ll catch a fly,” she said. _

 

_ It was almost as if Dean could hear his heart saying, ‘There...that one. That one is ours.’ _

 

Something slammed into him with brutal force drawing him out of the memories. Cold harsh reality waiting for him, breaking him under the strain of it. Not for the first time tears flooded Dean’s cheeks as the waves of indescribable, visceral pain racked through his body. 

 

He downed the rest of his beer and forced himself to his feet to get another, no matter how much it hurt...he still had to function. 

 

After he’d finished the next bottle, he realized the night wasn’t going to be salvaged, there was no pulling himself out of it this time. So he gave himself over to it, grabbing his laptop on his way to get another beer. 

 

He hadn’t logged in since they split, not once in the year had he even been tempted but now…

 

**Dean Winchester** is with  _ Castiel Novak  _ at  _ IHOP: _

Completely hungover this morning and neither of us are in the mood to be waiting this long for freaking pancakes.  Come on!

 

**Castiel Novak** posted on your wall:

Thanks to our camera happy friends  **Charlie Bradbury** and  **Benny Lafitte** , we have a picture from our second date!  It was a gorgeous day and that outdoor festival and concert was so much fun!

  
  


**Charlie Bradbury** posted on your wall:

You two were amazing last night at Karaoke!  And soooo drunk! You two are freaking adorable and I can’t wait until next weekend for your wedding!!!

  
  


**Dean Winchester** is with  **Castiel Novak** feeling  **_ecstatic_ ** :

We did it folks.  Finally got hitched to this giant nerd.  Love ya babe.

  
  


**Castiel Novak** is with  **Dean Winchester** feeling  **_emotional_ ** :

 

I am so happy right now!  We finally did it! I get to spend the rest of my life with not only my best friend but the greatest man I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I love you so much baby!!

  
  


The green dot took him by surprise. Normally he didn’t pay attention to the chat area but as it always had been over the last four years and counting, his eyes, his ears, everything snapped to attention at the slightest hint of anything Cas related.

 

He took another drink and debated not saying anything at all but then…

 

<Charlie’s having a game night this weekend, you should come.

 

Do you really think that’s a good idea?>

 

Dean bit his lip a sad smile drawing at the corner of it. It was a stupid idea, of course it was but it was  _ Cas _ and nothing felt right without him. 

 

<No

<But you could come anyway.

 

I miss everyone so much. >

I don’t know, I don’t want me being there to ruin everyone's night>

Including yours, just, tell everyone I said hi for me. >

Please? >

 

<I haven’t been in months…

<It was too hard to be there without you.

<Tell them yourself. 

<Be there, I’m not your messenger boy.

 

He chewed at his cheek a bit and took a deep breath. 

 

<Plus, you outta know by now. 

<Everything is better for me with you there. 

 

Dean waited for a bit, when no reply came he groaned and brought his head down hard against the back of the couch. It was probably asking too much but Dean just knew somehow that even if it was over, even if they could never be  _ them _ again, he needed Cas in his life. 

 

<Cas?

 

I’m here.>

I’ve just been staring at the messenger>

How can you say that though Dean?>

After everything I did...after what I put you through?>

I don’t know...I’ll try.  I’ll try to come.>

 

<Funny.

<That’s exactly what I told Charlie when she asked. 

 

Dean couldn't help himself, he was smiling. Even the small, unlikely possibility of seeing Cas was enough to make him smile, a legitimate smile. 

 

<Hope to see you there. 

* * *

  
  


Dean messed with his hair for the tenth time that evening, and then quickly scrubbed a hand down his face. Cas probably wasn’t even going to be there and he was acting like some giddy teenager. He groaned at himself but grabbed his keys and made his way toward the door before he could do anything else to utterly humiliate himself. 

 

The driveway was packed and Dean smiled. There was no shortage of love for Charlie, the girl seemed to have made friends out of everyone in town. She hoarded people like a dragon hoarded it’s treasure, and she was just as fierce. 

 

He licked his lips and carried the large bag of Chinese food in with him. They treated it like a potluck so Charlie wasn’t stuck feeding them every week and though it had been a while since he’d shown up, he knew all about bribing the host. 

 

He didn’t bother knocking, though with the way everything stopped around him when he stepped in, he thought he might have needed to. But he waited a few beats and most people went back to talking while two familiar faces headed straight for him. 

 

“Oh my God Dean!” Charlie cried running over to tackle her best friend.  She could care less about the food in his hands, she was just a mixture of relieved and ecstatic that he was there!  She pulled away so Benny could pull Dean in as well.

 

“Man it’s good to see ya here brother,” Benny said hugging the other man tight before letting go.

 

“Yeah, yeah...I know it’s been too long but uh,” Dean scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. He wasn’t sure how they’d take his invite going out. He knew both Benny and Charlie loved Cas, that they would be happy to see him any time, but he also knew that they’d be worried for him. 

 

“I mean he’s probably not gonna show but I uh, I invited Cas to come so...y’know,” he said, gesturing with his hand but he didn’t really have anything else to add.

 

Charlie’s eyes widened as the smile faded from her face, “Wait, you _ invited _ him?  So are you two talking again?” she asked, sharing a worried look with Benny.

 

“If you can call a couple drunk emails and a ten minute Facebook conversation ‘talking’, but honestly...I’m just sick of not having him around. I-” Dean swallowed, fighting off the urge to let all his walls down and collapse. “I just- I need him to be back in my life, whatever form that takes.” 

 

Charlie opened her mouth to comment when Benny touched her shoulder.

 

“Well, whatever happens Dean-O, you know we’re here,” he said softly reaching out with his other hand to squeeze Dean’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, thanks.” Dean was grateful that two of his best friends approved. They might not understand and they were clearly worried but they still supported him and that meant the world to him. 

 

“So who all’s here, it’s gotten bigger since the last time,” Dean asked. “I’m actually kinda freaking out someone’s going to hurt my baby trying to find room to park... _ on your lawn! _ ,” he teased. 

 

Benny chuckled, “Pretty much everyone is here, Andrea’s around with Eli so you better say hi to the little squirt.  He’s missed his uncle Dean,” Benny grinned at the mention of his two year old.

 

“Lisa and Ben are as well,” Charlie said.  A little blush dusted her cheeks and playfully pushed at Dean’s shoulder.  As if he heard her say his name Ben came crashing between them to hug around Dean’s waist.

 

“Dean! You’re here!” he cried.

 

“Hey bud,” Dean said, rubbing his hair affectionately. 

 

Lisa came closer with a wide, easy grin on her face and Dean had to stop himself from chuckling. “What have you been feeding this kid, Lis. He’s about to crush me with his bare hands.

 

“Oh you know, standard veggies, broccoli, toxic waste, spinach,” she said with a laugh before she grabbed Dean and pulled him in for a hug too.

 

“Just like his mom then, inhumanly strong.” He kissed her forehead and smiled. It was good that she and Charlie found one another. It was still early on but Dean could see something there, a spark that he hadn’t noticed with any of his redheaded best friends previous relationships. 

 

Castiel stepped into the house, his heart hammering in his chest.  He got a few curious stares but he just gave them a timid smile, his hand lifting in a wave.  The bottle of Dean’s favorite wine was clutched in his hands which he nearly dropped when he finally caught sight of the man.  It had been over a year since he’d seen him. There was a deep flutter in his chest and he took a step forward only to stop. There was a woman next to him, Dean’s arm wrapped around her shoulders as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.  A small boy was on the other side of him, smiling so wide up at Dean. 

 

Castiel’s heart plummeted and he plunked the bottle down on the table of food.  God how was he this stupid? Of course Dean moved on.  _ Of course _ he found someone who would give him what Castiel didn’t want to.  He could hear someone asking if he was okay but he ignored them in favor of rushing out of the house.  He couldn’t breathe, everything was swimming around him. It was next to his car that he finally collapsed to his knees and threw up.

 

Kevin watched as the guy all but flung himself out of the house.  He wasn’t exactly sure who it was but the way he reacted, Kevin had an idea.  He grabbed up the bottle of wine and walked over to the group, “Hey uh, some guy just showed up and took off.  Left this,” he said holding out the wine.

 

Dean barely got a look at the silver label before he sped out the door as fast as his legs would take him, half knocking someone over.

 

“Cas? Cas!!” Dean said, moving quickly across the lawn.

 

“Hey, it’s okay, if this is too much we could just go somewhere else,” Dean offered, feeling the panic clench in his chest. 

 

Castiel jerked away from Dean, his hands trembling as he wiped his mouth, “Why...why did you ask me to come?  So you can shove it in my face?” he demanded taking a few unsteady steps away from his ex husband. Being this close to him was too much.  His entire being, down to his soul was screaming out for Dean.

 

“What? Shove what in your face?” Dean asked, and then horror pulled and contorted his face. “Cas, Lisa and Ben aren’t mine! She’s dating Charlie and I coach Ben’s little league team, that’s all.” 

 

Castiel stared at him, humiliation washing over him as his chin trembled, “I can’t...I can’t do this.  I’m sorry Dean,” he said, panic surging through his veins as he tried to get his keys out of his pocket.  He was shaking all over and cursed when he dropped them to ground.

 

“Okay you- you aren’t driving anywhere,” Dean said reaching to wrap one arm around Cas as he guided them both toward his baby. 

 

“C’mon, I’ll take you home if that’s what you want but no way in hell am I letting you drive like this.”

 

Castiel whined in the back of his throat the second Dean touched him.  He’d regret it later, probably but he couldn't help wrapping around Dean like a damn octopus.  God he smelled just the same, felt exactly like he remembered.

 

He could barely hear himself sobbing as he repeated  _ I’m sorry _ over and over again.

 

Dean didn’t say anything just let Cas hold him there against the the cool exterior of the Impala. He squeezed tight for a while, giving Cas the time he needed to pull it together. 

 

Castiel took a few heaving breaths and pulled away from Dean.  Their eyes met and Castiel could clearly see that this little reunion of theirs didn’t affect Dean as much as it did him.  He was such an idiot for getting this worked up. He pulled on the shield he always wore now and straightened up.

 

“I’m sorry.  I’m making a fool out of myself.  I’m fine, have fun with your friends Dean,” he said and snatched up his keys.  Dean taking him home was a horrible idea and he could get there himself.

 

“You’re my best friend,” Dean blurted, stopping Cas in his tracks. “You’re also pretty much the only reason I came here tonight. Let me take you home, or for food, or  _ something.  _ I miss you, Cas.” 

 

“I miss you too Dean,” Castiel said letting his eyes close, “More than you can even imagine,” he whispered and then turned back to Dean, “I don’t know if it would be a good idea if you took me home but I can go for some coffee right now,” he said.

 

“I wasn’t- it wasn’t a proposition Cas. I just need to make sure you’re okay,” he answered, before pulling the man back in against his chest. “I always need to make sure you’re okay.”

 

When they finally pulled away Dean held open the passenger door and waited for Cas to crawl in.

 

“I know it wasn’t Dean.  But…” Castiel sighed, hands fumbling in front of him, “I don’t know if I’d be able to control myself,” he said with a blush and then quickly crawled into the car.  Dean hurried around the front of the car and slipped in behind the wheel.

 

“Well I trust you, and I know you better than you think. But coffee’s good. You wanna hit Marley’s or somewhere new?” Dean asked, not holding back. They’d spent a lot of time in that small cafe that played all the classics but he also didn’t want to make it harder on both of them. 

 

Castiel chewed on his lip, “Let’s go to Marley’s.  I miss their coffee and now that I’m thinking about it, I’m really hungry for one of their pastries,” he said with a small smile.

 

“Marley’s it is,” Dean answered with a grin, letting the engine rev as he made his way down the road. 

 

It was a comfortable quiet ride between them and it settled a bit of the ache in his chest. He was still being realistic, he knew that he might never get what he wanted from Cas, but it was hard not to feel warm with the love of his life riding shotgun. 

 

Castiel found himself almost petting the leather of the Impala.  He had spent so much of his time in this car, he barely ever drove his own vehicle during their whole relationship.  A small smile lifted his lips as he remembered the first time he saw it and grew envious with how much care Dean showed his car.  Then, he had hoped he would get only a fraction of that same care from the man.

 

“I missed the car too,” he laughed softly.

 

Dean’s smile grew wider as he thought about that comment, about all the times they’d shared in the Impala. It had been hard to drive it after they split but it was such a part of him, of who he was, he could never abandon her. It would have only expanded the pain of losing Cas. 

 

“Well yeah, but you drive a  _ hybrid _ Cas,” Dean said with an added chuckle. “Of course you’re going to miss the American muscle in my baby.” 

 

Castiel laughed, “Well, it’s better than the bug I was driving when I first met you.  After everything, the stupid thing wouldn’t even start, had to buy something else,” he said with a shrug.

 

“I would have-” Dean stopped himself, because he wasn’t sure it was going to help anything. Of course he would have fixed it, but Cas probably didn’t need to be reminded of that. Not in that moment at least. “Well do you like it at least? The new thing...what was it, a Prius?”

 

Castiel laughed again, “No.  I tried driving one of those and hated it.  It’s a Ford Fusion, “ he said. It felt good to laugh, to sit close to Dean and talk about something as trivial as his horrible choice in cars.  He looked out the window to see Marley’s coming closer and his stomach rumbled loudly.

 

“You wanna grab a burger first?” Dean asked, raising his brows a bit at the sheer volume of Cas’ hunger. Though, he could understand. He’d been too nervous to eat too. “Not that I’m going to complain if you eat twenty of those honey-whatever things you get but maybe get something with a little more protein as a primer?” 

 

Castiel chewed on his lip, “Okay.  We can walk there though, it’s close and it’s nice out,” he said.  He waited for Dean to park before climbing out of the car. The air was crisp but not too cold.  He took in a deep breath and sighed.

 

He wasn’t sure if it was out of habit or hopefulness but Dean offered his arm and when Cas slid his through it, everything started to feel right again. 

 

“So how’s uh, how’s Gabe, Anna, how are things at work? Really...anything is fine, whatever you wanna talk about,” Dean said, wincing a bit internally at how stupid he sounded. He could hear the nervousness in his own voice but small talk wasn’t really his thing, hadn’t ever been. 

 

Castiel squeezed at Dean’s arm and smiled, “They’re okay.  Gabe tries to keep me busy with work and Anna…” he swallowed hard and shook his head, forcing out a laugh, “She uh, she wants me to get help.”

 

“Yeah, Sammy was on me about that for a while too, Actually...I uh, I’ve been talking to someone,” Dean said, surprising himself by admitting it. Pam wasn’t your run of the mill quack, that’s for sure, but she’d helped. He wasn’t dealing with things the way he was supposed to, they both knew that, but she made it possible for him to get out of bed and get through the day when it was the hardest thing in the world to do. So that was something. 

 

Castiel was taken aback a little from the admission but felt less like a crazy person since Dean was getting help as well, “Oh, um.  That’s good. I doubt I’ll go...it’s the family shrink Anna wants me to see and I’m not comfortable with that man,” he said with a shudder.

 

He cleared his throat and focused on something else, “How is Sam?”

 

“He’s good, they’re uh, Eileen’s pregnant. Gonna be an uncle pretty soon actually,” he said, but he didn’t let that linger. Kids was about the biggest red button conversation they could have possibly started and he didn’t want to have Cas recoiling and asking for an out. “Pam, that’s my shrink...she’s really good. I could, I mean no pressure or anything but I could give you her number.” 

 

“Or...you could go with me sometime,” Dean suggested, before realizing he’d even said anything. 

 

Castiel swallowed hard at the mention of his ex brother in law starting a family but pushed it away, “That was one thing we never tried,” he admitted softly.  He never once brought it up, didn’t think Dean would go for it. 

 

“Well it doesn’t have to be- I mean, I’m not pushing anything on you Cas. It doesn’t have to be some sort of marital session or anything. I just-, if you need someone to talk to Pam is great. She’s like the opposite of what you see when you think ‘shrink’ and like I said, she’s-she’s really helped me out,” he offered, holding the door open as they made it to the little diner down the block from Marley’s. 

 

He waited until they were seated to start up again but he needed to express what was on his mind. “There was a while there, right after- it was bad, it was  _ really _ bad. Pam tells me all the time that I’m not dealing with it and I know she’s right, but something about even just going there a couple times a week makes it a little easier to pull myself out of bed in the morning.”

 

Castiel nodded, looking down at his hands.  He’d done that to Dean. Pushed his husband into fucking therapy, “I-I’m glad she’s helping you,” he said and forced a timid smile.  Thankfully the waitress came and Castiel’s throat closed up when Dean ordered for him like he always did.

 

It wasn’t until after their perky blonde waitress walked away that Dean realized what he’d done, “Sorry did you want-do you want something different?” 

 

“No, that was exactly what I wanted,” Castiel smiled.  He took a sip of his water and felt the knot in his throat ease up just a little.

 

“So uh, how’s your job?” he asked wincing a little.

 

“It’s good, I uh don’t work at the warehouse anymore, Charlie got me a job doing construction and it’s been good, make decent money when we can work and it lets me beat the shit out of stuff with a sledge hammer sometimes,” Dean grinned, remembering the demolitions fondly. “Plus it has the added benefit of not allowing me to run myself into the ground.” 

 

“That’s good, I’m glad you got out of that place.  I understand now why you did it but I hated it when you worked those horrible hours.  I was such a selfish dick,” he said and took another drink of water.

 

“Cas...don’t get me wrong here, I’m not trying to uh, to pardon you or anything like that but you realize that not  _ everything _ was your fault, right? I’m not perfect, I screwed up a lot too,” Dean said, frowning across the table. The way Cas talked it was like, Dean was a saint and he was scum because he’d been wrong about what he wanted and too scared to say anything about it. 

 

“We didn’t communicate the way we should have, I know that now, but most of that was my fault for not being there. I spent more time on those cement floors than I did with you and that’s not an exaggeration,” Dean confessed, reaching his hand across the table. “You deserved better than that, Cas. I wasn’t giving you what you wanted either.”

 

Castiel hesitated but he ended up reaching out and slid his fingers through Dean’s, “So did you.  I lied to you Dean. I knew from the beginning what you wanted and told you that it was what I wanted too.  Then it came to start that part of our lives and I just...let you work yourself to the bone and then got  _ mad _ ,” Castiel closed his eyes and swallowed hard, quickly wiping away the tears, “It  _ is _ all on me Dean and I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s  _ not _ , it’s not  _ all  _ you, Cas…” Dean answered shaking his head. “This isn’t a conversation to be having inside. Here, take my keys, I’ll grab the food to go and I’ll meet you at the car.” 

 

Castiel nodded numbly and took Dean’s keys like he was asked.  He headed outside and suddenly was colder than he had been earlier.  Maybe it was because Dean wasn’t beside him or just the conversation they were having, he wasn’t sure.  

 

He didn’t make it far before Dean was running to catch up to him.  Castiel gave him a little smile trading the keys for the food.

 

“C’mon,” Dean said, opening the door to the back and gesturing for Cas to climb in. It would give him more space to talk and to eat, not to mention allow the elbow room it would take to pull Cas into his arms if necessary. 

 

Once they were inside, he couldn’t help himself he wrapped his arms around Cas and tugged him in close. “Not everything is your fault, sweetheart. I’ll say it a million times if that’s what it takes. Yes, you made mistakes, but I’m no saint either. I need you to understand that because all I’ve heard since that first email is how bad  _ you’ve _ messed up and how awful  _ you _ must be,” he said, soothing the wild spikes of dark hair a bit with his fingernails.

 

“Living with me, being with me, it’s not a picnic, Cas. It wasn’t easy, I know it wasn’t. You’re not the only one who makes mistakes.” 

 

Castiel held onto Dean tightly.  He didn’t agree with what Dean was saying but kept quiet.  He was too exhausted to fight with him and he didn’t want to.  They sat there like that for a long time, Castiel’s head on Dean’s chest while those strong arms held him.  His family were wrong, there would never be anyone else for him. Dean was it and always would be.

 

Castiel lifted up his head slowly and stared up into Dean’s beautiful eyes, he lifted his free hand and gently cupped the side of Dean’s face.

 

He wanted nothing more than to lean into it but they weren’t ready for that,  _ he  _ wasn’t. So instead, he gently put his hand on Cas’ and brought it to his lips. He dropped a small kiss there and Cas seemed to understand what he meant.

 

“C’mon, let’s eat before the fries get too cold.” 

 

* * *

  
  


Castiel fixed his hair again and took in a deep breath.  Ever since their impromptu dinner... _ date _ he and Dean had been talking regularly and hanging out just as much.  It felt amazing and yesterday Castiel had surprised them both by asking if he could come with Dean to one of his sessions with Pam.  

 

It was something he needed to do to change things if he was going to make it better between him and Dean.  He was sure Dean was on the same page but Castiel wanted his husband back. And he was going to do whatever it was he had to, to make that happen.  

 

“Oooh hot date?” Anna asked, leaning against the doorway a bit. She’d seen the change in her brother over the last few weeks and while it did worry her that it seemed to happen overnight, she was grateful for anything that could put the smile back on Castiel’s face. 

 

Castiel blushed and shook his head.  He hadn’t told anyone about seeing Dean again or hanging out with him and especially not the therapy session.  Turning to face his older sister he smiled at her and crossed his arms over his chest, “It’s um...I-It’s,” Castiel sighed, forcing himself to be a bit braver, “I’m going with Dean to one of his therapy sessions,” he said quickly.

 

Anna blinked a few times, more than a few times. It was as if her brain started to fizzle a bit when he mentioned Dean and therapy and all with a smile on his face. Her mild concern went into overdrive but she tried to stay relaxed. Her brother had been a zombie for over a year and now he’s smiling again. She didn’t want to take that from him but she was also terrified it would only get worse. 

 

“Are you-,” she started, then cleared her throat and reached for her courage. “Are you two trying to get back together?” 

 

Castiel shrugged, “We haven’t discussed it but I want to,” he said softly and sunk down on the couch, “I miss him so much Anna.”  Sighing heavily he rubbed at his face a few times before sitting back.

 

“I know, anyone could see that much Castiel but if you haven’t changed your mind-” 

 

“I don’t know if I have,” Castiel admitted, keeping his eyes glued to his hands, “I don’t know if this will even work or what it’ll do.  I just know I need to try. If things are going to be different between me and him, I believe this is where to start,” he said.

 

“Well I think it will be good for you to see someone, with Dean, without Dean...but Castiel, are you-” Anna hesitated, she didn’t want to have him upset with her but she was concerned. “I know being alone, being lonely isn’t easy but are you sure this is what you want? I’m worried that you want him so badly you’re willing to compromise yourself to make him happy and I don’t want that for you, I don’t think Dean would either.” 

 

“I want the love of my life back Anna, not just because I’m lonely.  If that were the case I would have went out with that guy who asked me out a few weeks ago.  And I won’t compromise myself but I do plan on being honest about everything,” Castiel said and stood up to move closer to his sister.  He took up her hands and gave her a real smile.

 

“Okay, okay...I just want you to be happy, you know that right? I want what you want, but what you two had-have, it scares me.” Anna opened her arms and pulled him into a hug. “Just be careful, Cassie.” 

 

Castiel hugged her tightly for a minute before pulling back enough to kiss her cheek, “Thanks for looking out for me big sister,” he said squeezing her hands.  His phone buzzed in his pocket and he gave her another smile before pulling it out to see a message from Dean.

 

“Go on,” she said, playfully bumping his shoulder. “Tell loverboy I said hi.” 

 

<I’m outside, want me to come up?

 

Castiel smiled, his heart flipping around in his chest.

 

No, it’s okay.  I’m coming out now.>

 

He gave Anna a wave before hurrying towards the front door.  Sure enough the Impala was in the drive and Castiel couldn’t help smiling wide seeing Dean leaning up against her hood.  

 

“Hello Dean,” Castiel said walking up to him.

 

“Hey sweetheart,” he said, opening his arms and making space for Cas where he belonged. He kissed gently at the soft skin on his forehead before pulling away again. Teasing, he hurried around to open the door “There’s coffee and food in there, don’t let me hold you back.” 

 

Castiel laughed, shaking his head as he crawled into the Impala.  The entire car smelled like coffee and he groaned. Just like he knew it would be, it was made to exactly his liking and he took a slow sip, “Thank you Dean,” he said once Dean was in the car as well.

 

“Well we couldn’t have your stomach growling through the session and scare poor Pam into thinking there’s a bear attack,” he said, only laughing harder when Cas elbowed him in the side.

 

“You’re such a brat, I can’t help that my appetite is finally back,” he pouted but grabbed at one of the egg sandwiches.  Castiel would have been fine with the ones from Carl’s Jr but that was a huge no-no for Dean. Always had to get freshly made ones from their favorite diner.  Castiel hummed at the smell hitting his face and eagerly took a bite.

 

“Hey you know me, I love it when you go into chipmunk mode,” Dean grinned, poking gently at the side of Cas’ face before taking a sip of his own coffee and starting the engine. Pam’s office wasn’t that far away since the Novak family estate was less than a block from the town square but Dean took his time getting there all the same. 

 

Part of him was terrified of what this might do to them, because he knew Pam wasn’t going to take it easy on them, but also excited because of the hope that it might give him back at least some part of the future he’d always hoped to have. 

 

They talked and teased one another during the drive and until they’d both finished their breakfast sandwiches and before long it was time to go in. 

 

“You ready?” Dean asked, holding his hand out as he helped Cas from the car. 

 

“Is it normal to be nervous?” he asked squeezing at Dean’s fingers.

 

‘Yeah, but Pam’s really laid back...she’s nothing like I expected at least,” Dean said, giving Cas another minute to ready himself before he pulled them both inside the small office.

 

Castiel walked into the room not know what to expect.  At first it felt like any other office with it’s cool blue walls and hardwood floor but there was a wall that stood out and was completely different then the rest.  It was that wall that put Castiel to ease that maybe Dean was right and the woman was no ordinary shrink. The wall had all kinds of eclectic things including jars of herbs that were labeled.  He smiled a little and allowed for Dean to guide him to the couch.

 

“Be right there sugar,” Pam called out, finishing the last few sips of her morning coffee. 

 

When she saw Dean’s ex husband she wasn’t at all surprised by how handsome he was, Dean had spent more than a few of their first sessions singing every praise that Castiel had in order to both cushion the blow and to keep from talking about the hurt his partner had caused him.

 

“There you are handsome,” she said, pulling Dean into a warm hug. “And you must be Cas. I’m Dr. Barnes, but call me Pam please,” she grinned, shaking his hand before taking her seat across from them.

 

Their asses barely touched the couch cushions before asking, “So Cas, how do you feel about kids?” 

 

Dean’s head jerked back in surprise, “Pam what the fu-” 

 

“I know what you’re thinking but I’m not trying to ambush him. But as much as I love taking your money, I’m not going to let you spend the hour talking around the polka dotted giant baby in the room,” she said, turning her head toward Castiel. “So...kids? Yea or Nay?” 

 

“Oh...um,” Castiel swallowed a bit, glancing nervously at Dean.  No lying this time, he said to himself and steadied himself, “I-I’m not really sure, the answer was no for a long time but I don’t know anymore,” he said avoiding Dean’s eyes for the moment.

 

“Fair enough,” Pam said, turning to Dean. “Dean how bout you? Still a hard yes?” 

 

He took a minute to think about it, Pam had trained that into him over there first few weeks. He’d gotten in the habit of answering reflexively and she taught him how to do better, to reconsider. “I do, I still want kids but if it means giving Cas up… I’m not sure it’s worth it.” 

 

“Okay, now this...this I can work with. Beyond being together, neither of you are confident enough to make a decision. You’re both willing to compromise some part of yourself to make the other happy,” Pam said, giving them a soft smile. “It’s not ideal, we don’t want either one of you growing to resent the other, but it’s a good place to start.” 

 

“Castiel, are there any specific reasons for why you’re unsure about having kids?” she asked, then quickly clarified, “Tell me why you originally thought you didn’t want to be a parent and how that’s changed.” 

 

Castiel fidgeted a little, “I did want kids before we got together.  But my mind started to change afterwards. I kept telling Dean that I still wanted them though but the more time went on-” Castiel sighed heavily, “I’m a very selfish person.  Before I knew the real reason why Dean was working all those hours at the warehouse I just kept thinking that I don’t like sharing him with anyone else, that when he comes home I want to have his full attention.  With a child...I’ve heard of so many couples that barely even get to be intimate with each other anymore and I didn't want that,” Castiel said, his stomach twisting in knots. It was the first time he actually admitted to not only himself, but saying it out loud.  Hearing the words made it even worse, how Dean could take him back after this, he wasn’t sure. 

 

“You’re not-” Dean started, but Pam cut him off with a gentle head shake. 

 

“You’ll get your turn and we’ll get to the bottom of it, but first...tell me what’s changed for you Castiel? Why do you think you might be able to share him now when you couldn’t before?”

 

“Because I don’t even have him at all now.  It’s made me reevaluate my choices and my life as a whole,” he said and looked over at Dean finally, “I-I want to make this work between us and if Dean wants children I will do my hardest to get over this selfish behavior,” he said.

 

“Now Dean, what were you wanting to say?” Pam asked, though she knew exactly what was coming. Still, Dean needed to confess it as much as Castiel needed to hear it. 

 

“You’re not selfish, Cas...not really. I wasn’t-I wasn’t giving you the time that I should have. You were neglected and because of that, you became a little more needy and clingy than usual,” Dean said, turning to face the beautiful man he loved. “Working all those hours, I was so wrapped up in the future and what I wanted that I stopped being a partner to you.”

 

Castiel wanted to argue, to tell Dean he was wrong but he stopped himself.  The memory of their last real intimate moment replaying in his mind. How he had begged Dean to stay but his husband had just pulled out to get ready for work.  It was then things truly began to shift between them. He couldn't put all the blame on Dean though, he just couldn’t.

 

“You were working for a future that I agreed to have with you,” he said.

 

“Pause,” Pam said, knowing Dean was getting ready to volley back the truth. He’d come to grips with his mistakes in the relationship and he’d even began to work out the betrayal he’d felt when Castiel confessed his truth, but there was still a lot of bone deep feelings of unworthiness and she was starting to see a sad resemblance between them.

 

“This is good Dean. I’m really proud of you taking responsibility for your past mistakes. It’s not the easiest thing to admit, especially not to our partners,” she said, smiling softly at him. 

 

“Castiel, I’m going to ask you a question I asked Dean during his first visit here. But first I want to say that when a relationship ends, it’s typical for the reasoning or the blame if you’d rather, to fall squarely in the middle. However sometimes, there have been cases where only one party is at fault. Which would you say applies the most to your relationship with Dean?” 

 

Castiel twisted his hands together and looked at Pam, “I’m at fault here.  It was my lie that broke us up,” he said softly, quickly looking away from both of them to wipe at his face.

 

“Why don’t you tell him what you told me when I asked you that, Dean.” 

 

He reached out and squeezed at Castiel’s hand but didn’t force him to turn back around. “I told her it was all  _ my _ fault.”

 

Castiel’s head jerked into Dean’s direction, his mouth dropping open.

 

“I said that I worked too much, left you alone all the time, wasn’t there for you and I didn’t talk to you. I made it to where you weren’t even comfortable enough with me to tell me what you were thinking, to tell me how you felt.” 

 

“No, no Dean.  I mean, I admit the hours you kept at the warehouse didn’t help but this isn’t your fault.  I could have easily told you the truth but I didn’t,” Castiel said gripping at Dean’s fingers, not able to stop himself from scooting a bit closer to Dean.

 

“Pause,” Pam said, feeling a smile tug at her lips. “You’re both right.” 

 

“Castiel, you could have and should have confessed your doubts to Dean as soon as you started feeling them and understood what it meant. Dean, by working so many hours you fostered an environment that wasn’t conducive to open communication and understanding,” Pam said, before turning to look at Castiel. 

 

“Castiel, tell me one thing, just one that Dean said or did that led to the end of your relationship.” 

 

Castiel shook his head, “H-He didn’t do anything,” he said.  The lie rolling easily off his tongue. It was easier to take the blame onto himself.

 

“Cas, I-you know I love you, I do, more than anything but if we’re going to make this work you are going to have to start being honest with yourself too. I fucked up, I know I fucked up  _ a lot _ , it shouldn’t be this much trouble to think of something. I could name twenty right now.” 

 

“Let’s not… but Castiel can you tell me why you’re so convinced this is all your fault, why Dean should wear none of the guilt or responsibility?” 

 

Castiel shrugged, “I’m not sure.  It’s just easier I guess. A-And I don’t want to blame Dean,” he stammered.

 

“It’s important for you to see the flaws in others as well as you see the ones in yourself,” Pam said, reaching out to squeeze at his knee. “You’ve been beating yourself up over this for a year, it’s about time you let him share the load. That’s what partners do.” 

 

Sitting back in her chair, Pam chewed at her lip. 

 

“Okay, we’re going to play a game. Don’t worry, I’ll go first,” she said with a smirk. Dean didn’t like it when you lied to him, Castiel. Dean, Castiel didn’t like it when you spent more time at work than you did with him,” she said, pointing between them. “Now your turn.” 

 

“Cas, I didn’t like it when you pulled away from me,  _ emotionally _ , instead of telling me what was going on,” Dean said, his breath clenching a bit in his throat as he tried to breathe through the rush of nerves and fear. 

 

Castiel’s eyes watered and he blew out a breath.  He didn’t want to do this, he’d already hurt Dean so much.  He wanted to ask for a break or something but Pamela didn’t seem like the kind of person to let this go so easily.  He cleared his throat and gripped at the couch cushions.

 

“I-I didn’t like how the last time we were truly intimate ended,” he said softly.

 

“I didn’t like that either,” Dean admitted, squeezing Cas’ hand. “I’m sorry for how I left you that day...it’s one of my biggest regrets. 

 

Pam nodded, and instructed Dean to continue. 

 

“I didn’t like it when you used sex as a reason to avoid discussing the future. Looking back on it, I think that really hurt when I understood what you were doing,” Dean admitted, trying his best to reassure Cas that it would be okay. That he needed to speak his mind.

 

“I’m so sorry Dean,” he said, accepting the tissue that Pamela handed him.  He wiped his eyes and stared down at their hands. He moved so that his fingers were pressed between Dean’s.

 

“I didn’t like when you would choose going to the bar with Benny over spending time with me at home,” he said and then it was like a dam snapped in his head.  The longer he stared at their hands the more the words poured out, not giving Dean a chance to speak, “I hate when you talk about your father, you always believe you’re going to be like him but you never could be.  I don’t like when you roll your eyes when I try to tell you what a great man you are. I can’t stand when you don’t rinse your damn dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. I hated the moment we stopped kissing even more so when we stopped touching all together,” Castiel blew out a shaky breath, his voice growing thick with how tight his throat was becoming, “I hate it when you’re angry, you start to drink or storm out of the house.”

 

Dean let the rush of words flood over him and he nodded in agreement. He hated those things about himself too. Well maybe less about the dishes thing but he could work on that. He could work on it all, if it meant getting Cas back. 

 

“So, you let out a lot of your frustration Castiel and now I have to act like an  _ actual _ therapist, I hate when I have to do this but...how did that feel?” 

 

“Scared….relieved,” he said.  Dean was still holding onto him and he took comfort in that.  Castiel braved looking up into Dean’s face and gasped at the love he saw in those eyes.  He was terrified that if he talked about any of this Dean would shut him down or become angry with him.

 

“This is one way you can turn an unhealthy relationship, into a healthy one. Voice your thoughts and opinions, both the positive and the negative,” Pam said. “If you’re both trying so hard not to upset the other, there’s a lot of things that are going unsaid. Those things, however small, fester and become larger issues the longer they persist.” 

 

“Okay we’re about done for today, short session but I can see you guys need some time to talk. My homework for you, go for lunch or dinner or even just go outside and sit in your car but I want you to talk. We’ve gone over some of the stressors, the annoyances and hurtful things in your past. Now, on your own time, I want you to speak to one another with words of love and appreciation and I want you to listen to those words and do the best you can to accept them as truths. If you can’t do that, at least accept them as your partner’s truth.” 

 

“Think you can do that for me?” 

 

Dean looked to Cas and his pulse raced, “I’m in if you are.” 

 

“Yes, yes I can do that,” Castiel said, promising not only Dean but himself that he would do this.  He brought Dean’s hand up to his chest and smiled as his heart pounded against them. They said their goodbyes and Castiel gave Pamela a hug, whispering his thanks in her ear before following Dean out of the building.

 

Once they were by the car Castiel grabbed up Dean’s arm and hugged around him tightly, “Thank you for asking me to do this with you,” he said softly.

 

“Thanks for doing it, Cas...it means the world to me that you’re here, that you wanted to be here at all,” he said, hesitating as his eyes were drawn to those perfect pink lips. But Dean pulled away. Not yet, soon though.

* * *

  
  
  


Pamela smiled at the two men across from her. She’d done quite a bit of couple’s counseling and not once had she seen two people so devastated by the loss of one another, nor two people with as much love in their eyes. 

 

“Feel free to tell me to kiss off,” Pam said, the corner of her mouth drawing up a bit. “But I’m curious to know if you’ve had sex since you two started working on things?” 

 

Castiel smiled, their fingers already interlocked and sitting much closer than they had in the beginning of these sessions, “No.  Not yet. I wanted to work on my communication with Dean and not use sex as a means to avoid sensitive subjects,” he said blushing a little, “That’s not to say I don’t  _ want _ to though, eventually.”

 

“That’s both surprising and somehow  _ not, _ ” Pam admitted, “Okay boys, I think we’re done here.” 

 

Dean looked at her, brows furrowed. “What do you mean?” 

 

“I mean, I think you’re ready to decide if this is what you want and if it is, you’ve got the tools to navigate your relationship in new and healthy ways.” 

 

Castiel chewed on his lip and glanced up at Dean.  Were they really ready? Castiel wanted nothing more than to renew their vows and move back in together but he was also nervous.  It was true they were doing better at talking, only having a couple hiccups along the way. The last three months were long and they did have one epic fight that sent Castiel into hysterics.  It was nothing that Dean did or said, it was the anxiety of this being all over and Castiel would lose Dean again. The fight had been stupid but Castiel was actually glad it happened. It broke down more walls and they were talking even more because of it.

 

Dean started to feel a bit like a deer in headlights. He wasn’t really prepared for it to be over, to not have Pam there to bounce their issues back at them. 

 

Pam smiled at them. “You both seem hesitant, so why don’t we do this. I want you to spend one week apart. I want you focus your thoughts on your past relationship. Every single bad thing you can think of and as many of the good things as you want. I want you to just remind yourself what it was like to be with one another then. And after you’ve spent six days doing that, I want you to wake up on the seventh and think about the last few months. All the work you’ve done, the time and energy you put into shaping a road to a happy healthy relationship.”

 

“Okay, and then what?” Dean asked, though he wasn’t thrilled about pulling away from Cas again. 

 

“You meet. You agree to a significant location and you meet there. If you both show up, then you’ll agree to put the past where it belongs, to start over new. No guilt, no blame, just the two of you making a fresh start.” 

 

Castiel didn’t like the idea of spending a week apart from Dean but he liked Pamela’s idea, “Okay,” he said and then looked up at Dean, “We can do this, right?” 

 

“I don’t know, a week’s a long time,” Dean said, his tone was teasing and light but the words felt true to him all the same.

 

“Okay Romeo, how bout this. Use all that fancy modern technology in your pocket and you can talk to one another, but no physical contact, nothing face to face, got me?” 

 

“Done!” Dean said excitedly, knowing the offer wasn’t going to get any better.

 

Castiel laughed, shaking his head.  They rose up off the couches and he hugged Pamela tight, “Thank you so much.  For everything,” he said.

 

“It was my pleasure,” she said honestly, hugging Dean as well before they prepared themselves to leave. She walked them to the door feeling a little sad that it might be the last time they saw each other. Teasingly she smirked as they walked away and called out, “You boys ever want to spice things up in the bedroom give me a call.” 

 

Dean nearly tripped over his feet but Cas just laughed. 

 

“C’mon, let’s get some lunch before we have to spend the next six days apart,” Castiel said, gently tugging Dean’s hand towards the Impala.

 

* * *

  
  


Dean had been right, a week was a very long time to physically be apart.  Phone calls helped and the millions of text messages they sent each other every day did as well.  Castiel went to bed every night with a  _ Goodnight sweetheart _ and woke up every morning to send a  _ Good morning baby _ back to Dean.  It always made him smile to remember the first time Castiel had called Dean that after so long not saying it.  Dean’s eyes had widened and teared up so fast Castiel just hugged around him tightly. Ever since then he couldn't seem to stop calling Dean that.

 

It was the seventh day and Castiel woke up to a message from Dean first.  He smiled so wide it hurt and he sat up to get ready for the day. They had agreed to meet at two p.m. in the same park where Dean had proposed to him.  Castiel was confident that Dean would be there but of course, there was a small twinge of doubt that maybe, just maybe Dean would think getting back together would be too much.

 

It really didn’t help that Anna seemed hell bent in making sure that doubt stayed in the forefront of his mind.  

 

“Anna, please,” he nearly begged as he made himself some breakfast.

 

“I just want to make sure you’ve thought this through,” she said.  Gabriel was sitting on the counter next to them eating strawberries from the container.  

 

“I’m sure Cassie is well aware of what negative things could happen sis,” Gabriel said with a shake of his head.  Anna scoffed, turning back to Castiel again.

 

“What if he doesn’t show?” she asked.  Castiel flinched hard, nearly ruining his omelette as he flipped it too fast.

 

“Then I move on,” he said softly.  The very thought of it made him sick to his stomach but it was a cold reality that it could very well happen.  

 

“Really?” Anna asked, her arms crossing over her stomach.  Castiel glanced at her and nodded.

 

“Yes.  I’ll get help this time though but I’ll have no choice.  If Dean doesn’t show then it’s truly over between us,” he said, his voice catching in his throat.  Anna went to say something else but thank God his brother cut in.

 

“Anna, cut him some slack okay?  If shit goes sideways, we’ll be here for you Cassie and that’s all that needs to be said about this,” he said cutting Anna off again by throwing a strawberry at her face.  Castiel felt a smile pull at his lips as his siblings squabbled at each other. 

 

He wanted to message Dean but other than their good mornings to each other, they also had agreed to a day of silence.  To really do as Pam asked. So he did. After he ate and did his morning work out he went into his bedroom and went over everything.  Their good times, their bad...their monumental fuck-ups to their most joyous. When those were done, he focused solely on the last few months.  How scared he’d been to voice everything he’d been holding back to the rush of relief when he finally let it all out. 

 

By one-thirty, he was ready.  Getting back with Dean was the smartest and most important choice he’d make in his life.  As he got changed and grabbed up his keys, he just prayed that Dean felt the same.

  
  


He stared at the good morning message longer than was necessary, probably long enough to have himself committed but no matter how many days passed, it never failed to bring him a sense of peace and satisfaction. There were a lot of things about their marriage that Dean had loved, and a few that left him feeling wrecked beyond repair.

 

The choice was easy, though. 

 

He’d lived a life without Cas for over a year and he couldn’t do it again. Well, he was capable, he’d proven that but he was also miserable the entire time. Dean discovered that while he  _ could _ go through the motions and hang out with friends when pushed, and hold down a job without Cas; he didn’t want to. 

 

There wasn’t a point to any of it without Cas. 

 

So he got dressed early, put on the jeans he knew Cas loved and the old faded AC/DC shirt, grabbed his keys and the small navy blue velvet box from the drawer and left.

 

When he got to the park and he smiled as he pulled into the space right beside the familiar Ford Fusion. He was early but it seemed Cas was even earlier.  

 

Castiel wrung his hands together.  He was there a few minutes early but was already starting to worry that Dean wouldn’t come.  All his self doubt was clouding his mind that he began to pace along the sidewalk. He was sure he seemed a bit crazy but it was the only thing that made him feel just a little better.  He glanced down at his watch again and deflated when it read exactly two o’clock. The roar of the Impala never came but he could have easily missed it from his inner freak out. Swallowing hard he looked around and froze when he saw Dean standing a few feet away, apparently watching him.  

 

Just seeing Dean standing there washed everything away and he took off in a full run to crash against him.

 

“I can’t believe you were worried,” Dean said, chuckling wetly. “You know I’m a mess without you, Sweetheart.” 

 

“It doesn’t matter,” Castiel muttered, holding onto Dean for dear life.  He turned his head and kissed at Dean’s neck, “I love you so much,” he whispered.

 

“I love you too, Cas.” Dean held tightly for a while and then tugged at Cas’ hand to pull him over to the small bench where he’d asked for a break, the bench that he’d knelt in front of and asked the beautiful man sitting there if he’d share his life with him, the bench where Cas had said yes. 

 

“Things are going to be better now, I  _ feel _ it.” 

 

“I can too,” Castiel smiled reaching up to brush a tear that had fallen from Dean’s eye, “Everything is in the past now baby.  I’m ready to move forward with you,” he said leaning in to kiss at the corner of Dean’s mouth.

 

“That’s-that’s good,” Dean said, chuckling a bit. He took a deep breath, he could feel himself tremble a bit under the nerves. He knew it was soon and that they had some things to work out but there was just such a longing inside him whenever he saw Castiel’s empty finger and Dean just couldn’t let it stand. 

 

“Oh I uh I think your shoe’s untied,” he said, kneeling down in front of Cas just as he’d done before. 

 

Castiel laughed softly only for it to get lodged in this throat.  Dean wasn’t just kneeling but he was on one knee and there was something clutched in his hand.  Castiel’s hands fluttered a little before settling on Dean’s shoulders, “D-Dean?” he asked timidly.

 

“Cas, I know now, that relationships aren’t easy. Even with a fresh start, we’ve got a lot of work to do on us and figuring out what we want,  _ together _ . But loving you-loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s like breathing, I don’t even have to think about it I just  _ do _ ,” he said, his voice shaking just a little. 

 

“It doesn’t have to be tomorrow, I want us to take our time with this but I want you to marry me, marry me all over again,” he said, smiling a bit as Cas seemed to flounder. “And in the meantime, I’d really like it if you wore this ring, if you would let the whole world know that you’re mine again.” 

 

“Oh Dean,” Castiel covered his mouth as Dean opened the box.  It was different from the first ring Dean had given him and for that he was relieved.  They were starting fresh and having the same ring wouldn’t have felt right. He took out the silver ring with diamonds encrusted in the metal and held it out to Dean, “Yes.  Of course I’ll marry you again baby,” he said laughing through his tears. The moment Dean began to push the ring onto his finger he began to sob.

 

“God, I can’t seem to stop,” he said.

 

“Then don’t,” he answered, simply enough. “You never have to stop crying over the happy stuff, Cas, never.” 

  
  


* * *

  
  


Castiel sang along with the radio as he finished up dinner.  Dean was working a bit later but would be home just in time for the roast to be done.  Sure enough there was a ding on his phone, the message from Dean letting him know that he was on his way.  Castiel grinned to himself and hurried into the fridge to make sure the beer was nice and cold. Their new house was amazing and so new, it made Castiel giddy to use all the new appliances.

 

He heard the roar of the Impala before the garage door opened and Castiel pulled out the roast to set up on the stove top.  Biting his lip he turned just as the garage door opened and watched as Dean took in a deep whiff.

 

“Ungh, that smells amazing, Sweetheart,” Dean said, kicking out of his boots almost immediately. It signified the end of his day and made it a bit easier to snuggle up behind Cas without worrying about stepping on sensitive toes with his heavy work boots.

 

“I hope it tastes just as good, tried that new recipe and the double oven is amazing,” Castiel laughed getting a beer out for both of them.  Before Dean could take a drink though Castiel lifted up on his toes to get his kiss, “You have a good day?” he asked.

 

“It was, they uh- Rusty said they’re wanting to promote me to foreman but I don’t think I’m going to take it,” he answered, wrapping an arm around Castiel’s waist. “It would mean a desk job and more hours and I don’t think I want that, I’m happy where I’m at.” 

 

Castiel smiled and brushed his fingers over Dean’s forehead until the creases disappeared, “Do what makes you happy baby.  If taking this promotion does, then do it. You have my support either way love,” he said leaning in to get another kiss.

 

“I know and I might consider it later on when I’m too old and out of shape to do the heavy lifting, but for now, I’m happy where I’m at.” 

 

“I’m gonna grab a quick shower before dinner, join me?” 

 

“Of course.  Let me put the roast back in the oven so it won’t get cold,” Castiel said and did so before following Dean down the hall.  They entered the bathroom together and Castiel hummed as he helped Dean out of his clothes. He couldn’t help dragging his palms all over Dean’s chest and shoulders, “I’m loving this new definition in your arms,” he groaned.  Castiel had done morning workouts for years but just recently Dean had taken up going to the gym with Benny and Sam. Seeing the evidence of all that work made his mouth water.

 

“Oh really?” he grinned. Dean had planned to mostly just wash up or maybe give Cas a quick blow when he invited him into the shower but now… 

 

“Wanna see what it can do?” 

 

Castiel bit his lip and nodded, taking a step back to get rid of his own clothes, “Hell yeah I do,” he said.

 

“Gotta make sure you’re ready first, bend over,” Dean ordered, opening the door to their double shower stall to turn on the warm water. It was by far one of his favorite things about the new house they shared together. Their bed being the only thing that might have edged it out. 

 

“Ungh, you still look a little red from last night. Does it hurt?” he asked, teasing gently around the rim with his thumb. 

Castiel shuddered hard, “No, it doesn’t hurt,” he said biting down on his lip with a sharp mewl when he felt the coolness of the lube and then Dean’s thumb pushed into him, “Love when you’re rough with me baby,” he groaned.

 

Dean took his time opening Cas up a little. It didn’t take long before he was able to slip a couple fingers in and then the third. Though his husband was finding it a little difficult to hold himself up and that made him smile a little. “Mmm think you’re ready now? Ready for me to show you how all this new muscle comes in handy?” 

 

“Fuck yes, please,” he groaned, easily lifting off the counter with Dean’s help.

 

Once inside the shower, Dean pressed Cas against the wall and told him to jump. “C’mon, I’ll catch you,” he said with a grin. 

 

Castiel laughed brightly and did as he was told, “Ungh fuck this is hot,” he groaned biting down on his lip as he felt Dean’s cock brush along his ass.  He gripped at Dean’s arms, squeezing at the muscles bulging.

 

“Well I seem to have my hands full, if you want more than this, you’re going to have to reach down there and take it,” Dean teased, licking his lips as he watched Cas’ eyes go a bit dark. He could hold his lover without the help of a wall but it made balancing a bit of a struggle. 

 

Castiel leaned in and kissed Dean, one hand gripping the back of Dean’s neck while the other reached behind himself to position his husband’s cock.  They worked together and soon Castiel was panting heavily against Dean’s lips, “Oh fuck,” he moaned, the slick feeling of Dean pushing into him never getting old.  He was a bit tender but it didn’t hurt.

 

“That’s it sweetheart, fuck...you feel amazing like this,” Dean said, nibbling at the side of Cas’ neck. Holding Cas up, gravity putting the extra weight on him, felt warm and comforting. 

 

“Oh fuck, ungh Dean,” he groaned digging his fingers into Dean’s shoulders as he rolled his hips up and down.  It felt amazing and having Dean holding him up like this ignited something deep in his gut. After a while though he started to miss the feeling of Dean pushing into him and he noticed the way Dean’s arms began to shake a bit, “Mm, baby put me down, want you to fuck me.”

 

“Oh? And what is this exactly?” Dean grinned but he lifted Cas off of him and eased his legs back down onto the floor.

 

“This is me doing all the work and you’re just holding me up,” Castiel snarked out, laughing brightly when Dean spun him around to place his hands on the bench seat.  Castiel licked his lips and wiggled his ass.

 

“Well now that’s an offer I can’t refuse,” Dean teased, sliding back into Cas like he was coming home. He pushed in fully and rolled his hips. He pumped a few times and then went harder until he was nearly pushing into Cas so hard that he was raising him up from the floor. 

 

Castiel cried out when Dean repositioned and was now hitting his prostate with every other thrust.  He spread his legs a bit more to get more balance and rolled his hips just as hard back against Dean, “I’m so close baby,” he whined, lowering himself even more.

 

Hearing that only made Dean want to work harder, “Hold on tight.” 

 

When he lifted Castiel’s hips, his husband seemed to understand what he needed and held himself upon his arms and elbows planted on the bench. Dean pumped into him with rough, ragged snaps of his hips and felt his own orgasm peaking as Cas started to clench around him.

 

“Fuck, that’s it, that’s it. Cas, I’m almost there, C’mon sweetheart, Cum for me.” 

 

Castiel wrapped his foot to press against the back of Dean’s calves to prop himself up even more and cried out, his fingers scrambling to grip onto the edge of the bench.  Dean was hitting his prostate with each thrust and Castiel’s eyes rolled back as he came hard against the tile, “Dean!” he moaned out, squeezing tight around Dean.

 

Dean’s arms felt like they were sagging but he managed to get another few thrusts before he spilled into Cas, shuddering hard as he tried to ease his husband’s feet back onto the floor. After he was spent, it took everything in him not to just lay down on top of Cas right there but he eased himself out and took a seat beside his husband instead. 

  
  


“Fuck...screw the gym, now  _ that _ ’s a workout,” he said, chuckling to himself as he tried to regain the strength in his legs and arms. He still needed to wash up, maybe even more so now.

 

Castiel laughed softly as he straightened up, his legs shaking a bit as he grabbed up the loofah.  He started to wash himself when Dean held out his hand. Castiel bit his lip and handed it to him, turning around so Dean could clean him up.

 

“Oh...okay now it’s a little more tender,” Castiel hissed when Dean brushed against his hole.  Once that part of him was clean at least Castiel turned and faced his husband, crawling up to sit on his legs, “I’m okay, promise,” he said leaning in for a kiss.

 

Dean kissed him eagerly, finally finding the strength to finish his own washing. “If you wanna go ahead and get dinner plated, I can finish up here and meet you down there in a couple minutes.” 

 

“Mmm, I will, “ he said and wrapped his arms around Dean’s neck to pull him into another round of slow, deep kissing.  With one more lick to roof of Dean’s mouth Castiel finally pulled away, “Fuck I love you, meet you downstairs,” he said pecking Dean’s lips and stepped out of the shower.

 

Dean smiled and rushed to finish cleaning himself up, taking only a little extra time to enjoy the warm spray on his back. He stepped out and dried off quickly before grabbing a pair of loose sweats and pulling them on. 

 

When he got downstairs, the roast and carrots and potatoes were all put out on the plate for him and Dean squeezed around Cas, kissing him deeply before quietly whispering his gratitude, “Thank you, Sweetheart. For everything. This is amazing and when you cook for me it makes me feel like I’m being taken care of- in a good way.” 

 

“Good,” Castiel smiled, rubbing at Dean’s chest a bit before moving out the way for him to sit down.  He got them each a beer and sat next to him. They mostly ate in silence but occasionally they would share little tidbits of their day.  Once dinner was finished and the dishes were in the sink Castiel pulled at Dean’s hand to follow him outside.

 

“It’s nice out, come snuggle with me on the swing,” he said, smiling softly.

 

“Okay,” Dean answered easily. The swing was nice, he enjoyed it but it was probably one of Castiel’s favorite additions. They’d bought a fixer upper this time and while Dean had a little help from his work buddies from time to time, Castiel was there helping out with both ideas and manual labor. When it was finished they’d both felt like they’d had a hand in every little piece of it and he liked to think it only brought them closer together. 

 

When they sat down Cas curled into him like a cat, it was probably the most adorable thing Dean had ever seen. “You’re ridiculous, but I love you. I love you so much Cas.” 

 

Castiel smiled up at Dean, giving him a kiss before snuggling into his chest.  They sat there for a long time, letting the breeze move the swing a bit as they watched the last bit of sunlight disappear under the horizon.  Castiel chewed on his lip as his fingers played with the bottom of Dean’s shirt. There was something he’d been wanting to bring up to Dean for a few days and now seemed to be the perfect time.

 

Castiel sat up a little to move onto Dean’s lap and cupped his husband’s face, “There’s something I need to talk to you about,” he said softly.

 

Maybe it was reflex, he wasn’t sure but Dean went stiff at the words. He forced himself to relax a bit, took a few deep breaths, and turned to his beautiful husband. “Okay, hit me with it.” 

 

Castiel smiled, brushing his fingers along Dean’s face.  He wasn’t surprised when Dean reacted the way he did, he waited for him to relax again before taking in a deep breath, “I’ve been thinking about it for a little bit now, I wanted to be sure.  I think-no, no I know that I want to go back to Pamela. I want her to help me with my issues of having a child,” he said.

 

“Oh, okay. If that’s what you want Cas, I’m good with it but I need you to know that you-,” Dean paused, taking a moment to think about it again, even if he had countless times before. “You don’t have to change your mind. You might find out that you just don’t want to be a parent and I can’t let you think, not even for a second, that it’s going to change my mind. We’re in this together, right?” 

 

“We are,” Castiel said kissing Dean’s chin, “And if I don’t end up changing my mind then I’ll know for sure that I did everything to come to this conclusion that I don’t want children.  But there could be something deeper for my reasons of not wanting one and I want to explore that,” Castiel explained.

 

“I’m not ready to let this go just yet.  But if it turns out that it’ll never happen, we can get some pets or something,” Castiel chuckled.

 

“I just want you to be happy, Sweetheart. If that means you spend some time with Pam, that’s good too...just make sure she doesn’t feel you up,” he said and then quickly added. “Not without me there at least.”

 

Castiel giggled and kissed Dean softly, “I won’t.  I’d like to see her alone a couple of times. I’ll still share with you what was said in the session though,” he said snuggling into Dean’s warmth with a deep sigh of content.  There was a flutter of excitement under his ribs and he couldn't help smiling, he had a good feeling about this.

 

“You don’t have to give me a play by play, you’re allowed to have secrets...just not things that directly affect me or our relationship. You can work your shit out without me watching over your shoulder,” Dean said, kissing softly at his husband’s lips. “Just tell me what you want; no more, no less.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Castiel chewed on his bottom lip as he approached Pamela’s door.  He’d called earlier to set up an appointment and now the nerves were fluttering around in his stomach.  He wanted so badly to work through this issue and come out the other side with at least knowing  _ why _ he didn’t want kids.  Understanding that he was selfish for Dean’s love was one thing but Castiel had a feeling that wasn’t the only factor.  

 

He opened the door and peeked his head in, “Hello?”

 

“Come on in, handsome.” Pam came around the corner rubbing her hands together. “This dry heat is hell on my skin. Go on hon, pull up a seat.” 

 

Castiel smiled, “How are you Pamela?” he asked moving to curl up on the couch.  The first couple of times in her office he had sat rigid but after getting to know the woman becoming comfortable he let that all go.  His shoes were kicked off and placed under the couch and his feel pulled under him as he got comfortable.

 

“Oh I’m great, but this isn’t about me...not til the session is over at least. So we tackling the kids thing?” she asked, raising a brow. “Or is there something else on your mind?”

 

“The kids thing,” Castiel smiled, “Dean and I are doing great, the only hiccup being that some of our friends still think it isn’t a good idea that we got back together,” Castiel shrugged.

 

“It takes people time to get used to things and, not to be a bitch but some people are just assholes. Hopefully your  _ friends _ are just worried. That will calm as they start to realize that things have changed, that you’re both coming from a better place now and you’re happier than before.” 

 

She paused and then looked at him, “You are...happier than before right?” 

 

Castiel smiled brightly and nodded, “Yes, definitely.  We’re talking more, even over small trivial things that both of us would usually keep to ourselves.  We spend more time together but I don’t get jealous when he wants to spend some time with our friend Benny or his little brother anymore,” Castiel said.

 

“That’s good, that’s good. I’m glad you two are doing alright, not that I was worried in the least,” Pam said, gently shaking her head with a smile. “So talk to me, kids...they’re loud, messy, I mean honestly they’re like tiny assholes, who needs ‘em?” 

 

“Dean does.  He’ll sit there and tell both of us until he’s blue in the face that he’s okay not having them just because he wants me to be happy.  But he wants kids so badly. I see it in the faraway looks he gets when we’re walking by a park or when his little brother Sam brings up that his wife is pregnant,” Castiel explained, “I want to try and give that to him but I won’t put us in a bad situation by forcing it.”

 

“That’s a good place to start. So have you spent time with children before?” 

 

“Here and there.  We’ve babysat Henry, Sam’s first born, a couple times and it was fun.  It was actually then that I decided I had to try this. Seeing Dean with him...it was beautiful,” Castiel laughed softly.

 

“Okay, so I’m guessing you’ve been thinking about this a lot, for  _ years _ given how many complications it’s brought into your life so what are some of the things you feel might be holding you back when it comes to starting a family, or having children of your own?” 

 

“Well, the first that comes to mind is that I didn’t want to share Dean with anyone but now that I’ve actually been thinking about it, I don’t want this child to be the cause of us splitting up in the future.  Or that Dean and I stay together for the child and end up hating each other in the long run. It isn’t fair to put that kind blame or stress on a child,” Castiel said, twisting his hands on his lap.

 

“And why would you do that? Even if for some unforeseen reason you and Dean start to have trouble in your relationship and decide to call it quits again; Do you think he would blame your child, or do you think you would?” 

 

Pam knew Castiel well enough to know that neither of them would ever lay that kind of blame on an innocent person, they’d only  _ just _ learned how to shift the responsibility where it truly laid. “I hate to be a cliche’ and you turn me into one all the time, but I’ll forgive you because you’re pretty. Tell me about your parents, Cas.” 

 

Castiel flinched.  He hated talking about his parents.  He’d told Dean about them once but after that Dean never asked about them again.  His fingers clutched at each other and then sighed heavily, “They were...I’m not sure how to phrase it but my earliest memory of them was loving but the older I got that loving turned into resentment and anger.  My mother blamed me a lot for my dad picking up and leaving. I’m the baby in my family. When I turned sixteen she left too. My oldest brother Gabriel pretty much adopted me and my sister Anna so we could stay together.”

 

“Well that would sure fuck with someone,” Pam said, drawing a small chuckle from both of them. “Okay, so not so happy childhood. Being scared of becoming your parents in any respect is probably one of the most common, reasonable fears  _ ever _ . Even people who grew up with two loving parents with a white picket fence, or as I like to call them, normies, are worried they’re going to turn into their parents.” 

 

“What about Dean’s brother and his wife. Have you spent a lot of time with them? Witnessed their relationship and how they handle the balance of that and being a co-parenting unit for their kids?” 

 

Castiel nodded, “I mean, I don’t spend a bunch of time with them.  I have a feeling Eileen doesn’t like me too much. She’s one of the ones who’s still wary of me and Dean getting back together,” He swallowed hard and rubbed at the back of his neck, “Her and Sam are great together though.  Sam actually learned sign language just so he could ask her out to dinner,” he laughed softly.

 

“That’s sweet but I don’t want to stray too far off topic. How about any of your other friends, someone who’s more supportive. Any positive relationships that you can speak about, you don’t have to name names,” she said, sitting up a bit and moving the pillow that was pressed into the wrong area of her spine. 

 

Castiel thought about it and when it finally hit him he felt a little silly that he didn’t see it before, “Benny and Andrea.  When their son was first born they started to go through what I was scared of but now, they’re still heavily in love and their son is practically showered with it,” he said.

 

“Okay, and you see them often?” she asked, and when he answered with a nod, Pam smiled. 

 

“Here’s what I want you to do. We’re not gonna schedule another session this week but I do wanna see you this time next week and in between then and now I’d like it if you and Dean get together and make plans to spend time with your friends and their child.” She took a small breath and Castiel seemed to relax, “If you can, talk to one of them, whichever you feel more comfortable with, or both and ask them how they do it. How they balance their relationship and the love and attention they need to provide for their child.”

 

“Ask them anything you can possibly think of. I mean, obviously I don’t need to tell you not to harass them but make a list of questions you’d like answers to and then pick out what you think is most important and just  _ ask _ .” 

 

Castiel nodded, “I can do that.  Thank you Pamela,” he said smiling.  That excited flutter was back and he couldn’t wait to get home to Dean.

 

“Anytime and not that I mind taking your money but Cas I don’t think this problem you have is  _ that _ deep. You’ve got a lot of surface reasoning for not wanting children.  _ Understandable _ reasoning.”

 

She chewed at her lip but nodded, she was going to say it. “But if you want my completely unprofessional two cents, you’re just scared. You’re terrified you’re going to lose Dean again, that you’re going to lose yourself, that your kid is going to hate you, that Dean is going to hate you, that you’re going to be an awful father, that Dean is going to think you’re an awful father...all these things are legitimate fears. Your past experiences with relationships that involved children have obviously left their mark on you. But there’s about a billion parents out there right now that were all thinking the exact same thing you’re thinking right now and for the most part, it’s turned out perfectly fine, but you’re smart to want to get the fear out of the way first.”

 

Castiel smiled softly at her and nodded, “I wasn’t ready to let this go.  Not yet. I wanted to try everything that I could before I gave the final no to having kids.  Dean’s all about wanting to make me happy but I want to make him happy too. I know it’s early and I still want to talk to Benny and Andrea but the idea of it isn’t so overwhelming anymore.  It’s exciting.”

 

“That’s good, there’s no rush. You and Dean are both young men and even if you weren’t, fuck society for thinking you have to be in your twenties to pop out a baby, or adopt, or anything. You’ll do fine Castiel, I’ll see you back here same time next week.” 

 

“Thank you again Pamela,” he said and rose up from the couch after getting his shoes back on.  He hugged the woman and headed outside. The weight that had been pushing down on his chest for so long was getting lighter and he couldn't wait to get home and talk to Dean.  

 

After he slipped into his car he pulled out his phone.  There weren’t any new messages but he noticed that Dean had been on messenger not too long ago.  Probably on a break or something.

 

<Hey baby, just got done talking to Pamela.

<Session went great and can’t wait to talk to you when you get home.

<Hope you have a good day at work, love you!

<Oh, is there anything special you’d like for dinner tonight?

 

Dean was currently wearing a hard hat and carrying around a clipboard instead of a hammer. 

 

_ He didn’t like it _ . 

 

Charlie pulled him to the side when he came in that morning and told him the asshole foreman they’d hired for the Lakeway job was a no call no show that morning and she’d really appreciate it if Dean would do her a solid. 

 

Dean doesn’t say no to Charlie. 

 

“Hey boss man, we’ve got everything cleared for the forklifts and trash bins, we takin’ lunch now?” Cole asked, using his hand to block out the sun. 

 

He ground his teeth a little harder when he realized he’d missed out on the demo part. 

 

“Yeah boys, take an hour today.” 

 

Dean made it to his baby without throwing anything, which was probably appreciated by everyone except himself. He didn’t  _ want _ to be foreman. He didn’t  _ want _ to miss out on demo but fuck if it didn’t seem like he was being pushed into it anyway. 

 

He pulled his phone out of his pocket and for the first time in hours he smiled.

 

_ Cas. _

 

I’ll be home for lunch, we’ll talk about it then.>

 

<Really?!  Okay!

<I’ll pick up something from the diner then.  Miss you baby!

 

Miss you too Cas, See you soon>   
  


 

* * *

 

It took Dean a bit longer to get back to the house than it did for Castiel. He wasn’t sure how much time he’d have once he got there, not much probably, but he needed to feel his husband in his arms, needed to know that he was warm, safe, and still very much in love with him. Thankfully Castiel was all too happy to tell him over and over again. 

 

“Sorry, it’s just been a rough day. I feel like maybe, I feel like they’re trying to force me into the foreman gig. Not that Charlie had anything to do with it but the guy doesn’t show up and somehow out of the fourteen guys on the crew,  _ I’m _ the one they ask to take over for him until they find a replacement.”

 

Castiel sighed and gently guided Dean into one of the dining chairs so he could sit down on his his husband’s lap.  He listened intently to everything that happened today while digging his fingers into the tight muscles of Dean’s shoulders, neck and the base of his skull. 

 

“I’m sorry baby, I don’t know what position it would put you in but maybe tell someone that you don’t want the responsibility?” he asked softly.

 

“I can’t disappoint Charlie, Cas. She needs someone to be in charge while they look, I just hope they’re actually trying to find someone to replace me and not just hoping I’ll love the  _ trial run _ ,” he said, rolling his eyes, ‘I wouldn’t put it past that bastard Zach.”

 

“I hope so,” Castiel said dragging his fingers through Dean’s hair, his nails scratching soothingly at his scalp.  A soft smile stretched his lips as Dean groaned a little, his head tilting back, “You hungry?” he asked.

 

“I could eat, but I came home because I needed to get out of there and clear my head a bit. Needed to see you, sweetheart.” 

 

Castiel smiled and kissed at Dean’s lips before nuzzling their foreheads together.  His arms tightened around Dean’s shoulders and relaxed in the feeling of Dean holding him close, “Is there anything I can do to help you clear that head of yours?” he whispered against Dean’s lips.

 

“Mmm,” Dean moaned before taking the kiss eagerly. He didn’t let it get too heated though, pulling back with a small chuckle. “This is good, I just needed this. Maybe if I had more time…”

 

Dean’s mind gave him a variety of things they could have done to fill the time he didn’t have until he added a gruff, “C’mon, let’s eat.” 

 

Castiel grinned, refusing to get up just yet, “Aren’t you the so called boss right now?” he asked with a little smirk.  He trailed his fingers down Dean’s chest and stomach, reaching lower to grip Dean through his pants, “I can be quick and you’ll still have time to eat lunch with me,” he said.

 

The picture Cas painted was damn near irresistible, Dean found himself moaning instead of speaking out when his husband went for his zipper. “Fuck sweetheart,” he said, his head falling back a bit as Cas pulled his dick out. He swallowed and his eyes slammed shut when the warmth of wet tongue and hollowed cheeks wrapped around him.

 

Castiel rolled the head of Dean’s cock around with his tongue and gave the tip a long suck before pulling back a bit, “Don’t hold back baby, want you to fuck my mouth,” he said and quickly swallowed Dean back down.  It took a few tries but he managed to completely deep throat Dean and then moaned.

 

“Fuck, Cas-Ungh, Fuck, that’s it, sweetheart,” Dean said between the panted moans, the string of climax pulling from his gut quickly as Castiel continued to swallow him eagerly. Dean stood up, making his pants fall to the floor before he grabbed at Castiel’s soft hair and really started to snap his hips forward and push himself into the tight heat. 

 

Castiel whimpered as Dean used his mouth.  His fingers clutched at the back of Dean’s thighs and relaxed into it.  It felt incredible to do this for his husband and he was even getting aroused by it.  He opened his eyes and rolled them to up at Dean and groaned as much as he was able to.  Dean had his head thrown back, face all red and sweaty. Castiel knew it wouldn’t be long until Dean was spilling into his mouth and sure enough, there was that sound Dean always made and Castiel swallowed eagerly around him.

 

The muscles in his thighs twitched and Dean’s knees started to tremble a bit as the pulses of heat started to dry up. 

 

“C’mon, get up here,” Dean growled, pulling Cas off his knees to press their mouths together harshly, sucking the taste of himself off his husband’s tongue. His hands quickly opened Castiel’s zipper and he was happy to find that most of the work was already done for him. His beautiful husband was hard and leaking inside his pants and once Dean got him out and wrapped a hand around him, it was only a matter of time before he found his release. 

 

“Oh, shit, Dean!” Castiel whined, his hips jerking hard against Dean’s hand as he pressed his face against Dean’s neck.  His orgasm washed over him and he groaned, sucking a mark into his husband’s skin, “Mmm, love you,” he hummed, damn near purring at the gentle touches Dean was giving him.  They spent the time Dean was supposed to be using to eat his lunch snuggling on the chair, sharing soft kisses here and there. 

 

After a few minutes though he finally managed to crawl off Dean’s lap and follow him into the bathroom to clean up a bit.  Dean changed his clothes while Castiel just pulled on one of Dean’s bigger shirts, leaving his legs bare. He was in the kitchen packing up the lunch he’d picked up from the diner when Dean moved behind him, wrapping his arms around his middle.

 

“You’ll be home in a few hours and we can continue,” Castiel teased, turning his head just enough to press a kiss to Dean’s temple.

 

“You always make it so hard to leave though,” Dean said, pulling him in for something more substantial than a peck on his forehead.

 

Reluctantly, he pulled away. “Okay, okay...I’m going. Love you, Sweetheart.” 

 

“Love you too baby.  And hey, when you get home can we talk about the session I had with Pam?” Castiel asked, pulling Dean back in for another kiss before finally letting him to back away.

 

“Oh fuck, Cas...I’m so sorry...I got wrapped up in all my own shit I completely forgot about your session,” Dean mentally kicked himself. All that awesome work Cas was doing and already he wasn’t listening when he needed to be. 

 

“It’s okay baby.  You were having a stressful day and needed me.  We’re still going to talk later so please, don’t feel guilty okay?  Don’t undo all my hard work getting you all distressed,” Castiel grinned handing him the bag of food.

 

“I would tell you if I was upset and I’m not, promise.”

 

“Okay, okay...but first thing as soon as I walk through the door, don’t let me forget, promise?” he asked, though he was pretty damn certain he wasn’t going to forget it. Still Cas nodded and he gave him another quick kiss before heading out the door. 

 

His luck, he’d be late and they’d promote him again.

 

* * *

  
  


Castiel was thankful he had the day off.  He was able to get the house cleaned, all their laundry done and even prepped some lunches for him and Dean to take for the next few days.  Just as it was getting closer to when Dean would be coming home Castiel transformed the living room into a huge pillow fort. As he threw the blankets over the couch cushions he reminisced when Dean had done this for him early in their relationship.  He’d been feeling sick and had an awful week. Dean had “broke” into his apartment and did this very thing. 

 

He got Die Hard onto the title screen and made sure the cooler with Dean’s favorite beer was near the fort as well.  There were only a few minutes left to which he used to take a very quick shower and changed into his baggiest pajamas, knowing that Dean loved it when he looked all snuggly.

 

He placed Dean’s favorite PJ bottoms on the couch arm just as the garage door started to open.

 

Dean scratched at his head a bit and rolled his shoulders as he made his way upstairs. He chucked his keys onto the ring by the door and called out for Cas, “Honey I’m homeee,” he teased, taking his boots off in the entryway, groaning in pleasure when they were finally off his feet. 

 

“In the living room!” Castiel called back out, biting his bottom lip as he waited eagerly.

 

Once he was finally untangled from all of his work gear, Dean stepped across the hard tiles and blinked a few times, smiling and chuckling when he saw what Cas had done with the living room. 

 

“I can’t believe you remembered,” Dean said, almost holding his breath in surprise. 

 

“Of course I did.  It was one of the best days I ever had and it was all because you  _ wanted _ to make me feel better,” Castiel said crossing the room to hug around Dean’s shoulders, “Mmm, it’s good to have you home baby.”

 

“It’s good to  _ be _ home with you, Cas…” Dean said, pulling him in for a deep kiss. “So tell me about the appointment.” 

 

“I will, once you get your cute butt in the shower and change.  I want you relaxed and cuddly when you get into this fort with me,” Castiel demanded, denying Dean another kiss with a smirk, “Go on mister.”

 

“Yes, Sir.” Dean chuckled but rushed toward the shower all the same. 

 

He came back to the living room about fifteen minutes later naked as the day he was born and rubbing a towel over his still damp hair. When he caught Cas’ eyes roaming over him he tutted, “Aht, not yet. Tell me about your appointment first,  _ then _ you can objectify me.” 

 

Castiel pouted, “Fair enough.  At least put the pants on so I can focus?” he laughed throwing them at Dean’s face.  He waited until Dean was dressed and then pulled him into the fort. They were cuddled together and Castiel hit play just to have some background noise for now.

 

“So, Pamela asked me a lot of questions.  Mostly about my parents and other relationships I had been around in the past.  Sadly, it never crossed my mind that my own shit with my parents is a huge factor of why I don’t want kids,” he said.

 

“That’s understandable Cas, it’s not easy for us to pinpoint our own issues, they just feel like part of us. Pam helped me a lot with that too,” he said, squeezing at where their hands were folded together. “So you figured out that might be part of it, what now?” 

 

“She says I should observe a couple that has a child who is doing well.  I thought of Benny and Andrea. I remember when Eli was first born, how tired and strained their relationship was but they’re still together.  Benny loves Andrea just as much, if not more now,’ Castiel answered.

 

Dean flushed a bit, unsure if he should say anything but he didn’t want to keep secrets from Cas and he’s pretty sure Benny wouldn’t mind. “I uh, that’s-that’s actually where I got Pam’s number.”

 

“Oh, I didn’t know they got help,” Castiel said biting his lip.  Did it matter though? Everytime he sees the little family he sees how much love is there and quickly came to the decision that no, it didn’t matter.  They fought to stay together, just like he and Dean did.

 

“I’m glad she helped them out too,” he said and kissed Dean’s lips, “I’d still like to use them for my observations though.  Pam wants you to be there with me too. I would have used Sam and Eileen but she’s still not too fond of me.”

 

“Eileen will come around, she’s just wary...she’s skeptical by nature,” Dean offered, though he knew it bothered Cas a bit that he had to work for it. It bothered Dean too, to be honest. 

 

“As for the Benny and Andrea stuff, It’s probably better this way, they’ll understand where we’re coming from and they’ll know how to talk to us about what happened between them and how they fixed it,” Dean said, kissing softly at Cas’ forehead. “If you want I could talk to Ben about what’s going on and ask him and Andrea to come for dinner a couple nights this week, bring Elli along with them and I can entertain the little rugrat while you talk...if you want.” 

 

Castiel nodded, “I want to go over to their house too, just to watch them.  I don’t want it to be creepy but I’d like to see them in their own environment.  You know how people act differently in other places then their home,” Castiel said and kissed the underside of Dean’s chin.

 

“Though I’m still anxious and nervous about it, I  _ am _ feeling better about it,” he said softly.

 

“Hey, I’m not going anywhere, no matter what but I’d be lying if I said that doesn’t make me pretty damn happy. Even if you never feel comfortable with it, just-just knowing you’re  _ trying _ is enough for me, Sweetheart.” 

 

Dean nuzzled their noses together and chuckled at himself before pulling Cas closer, onto his lap and wrapping around him as tightly a she could. 

 

“For the record, I know part of you understands that I mean what I say and I also know that you think I’d tear myself apart to make you happy and...while that’s not exactly  _ untrue _ , I mean it when I say that you’re enough, Cas. You’re enough to make me happy.” 

 

Castiel smiled.  He cupped the sides of Dean’s face and just stared at him for a minute or two, “I know.  But, starting a family with you does sound appealing. I’m just not sure what babies yet.  Whether human or fur, we’ll figure it out,” Castiel giggled, leaning in to kiss Dean slowly.

 

“As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.” 

 

They leaned back against the couch and watched the movie for a while, the warmth of his love in his arms and one of his favorite movies playing in the background, a cold beer in his hand. Dean couldn’t think of anything better. 

  
  


* * *

 

Dean rotated his shoulders a bit on his way to lunch. They were doing foundation work and it had been particularly grueling on their current project. The clients had leveled off a hillside but didn’t really have room for more than the basic necessities which meant a lot of them were having to haul trash cans to the dumpsters down the hill fairly regularly. 

 

He was looking forward to the break though. 

 

“Fuck, days like this make me think that desk job ain’t lookin’ so bad,” Dean teased, bumping into his friend as they walked toward Benny’s beat up pickup. 

 

“You’re tellin me cher.  Andrea’s got a honey-do list waiting at home for me too,” Benny groaned, playfully pushing at Dean’s shoulder.  He threw his gear in the back of his truck and waited for Dean to do the same, “I don’t mind though. I get a mean back rub afterward,” Benny grinned, wiggling his eyebrows a bit as they crawled into the cab.

 

Dean shook his head and laughed at the man. “Too bad you don’t like dick, in my experience, we take care of our own shit usually and I get it on the regular without doing all that,” he teased, tossing his head back as the cool air condition roared to life. The truck might look like someone took a rusty hammer to it but fuck if it didn’t have the best AC Dean had ever experienced in a vehicle, not that he’d tell baby about it, but still….

 

“Don’t be a dick man.  Andrea stays at home all day takin care of the kid,” Benny laughed, turning up the cool a notch before heading down the hill, “Speaking of, you two comin over again this Friday for dinner?” Benny asked.  It had been well over a month since Dean had told him about Castiel’s visit with Pamela. At first Benny had been a little weirded out that Castiel wanted to observe them but after the first few dinners together, Benny learned to ignore the stares from Dean’s husband.  

 

It helped that Eli absolutely adored Castiel.  Benny had never seen his kid take to someone so easily and even though Castiel was nervous, Benny could clearly see how much Castiel loved Eli’s attention.  There were a few times during the week that they got together as well. Even times when Castiel would come over by himself to just see them at home. The guy was so quiet Benny forgot he was there sometimes.  Benny hoped that whatever this did for Castiel, that it worked or answered the questions he had in his head.

 

“Up to Cas, I might just see if I can talk him into staying home and having all that sex I mentioned…” Dean teased again, ignoring the slight punch to his shoulder. “I’m kidding man, I mean not about the sex, that’s all true, but I-I want what you have and if that’s what Cas wants at least...if not, I’ll just spoil him rotten I guess.” 

 

Benny nodded, “I’m just glad you two figured it out.  You two are absolute messes without each other,” he laughed softly, “Thank God for Pamela.  If not her Andrea probably would have left my ass too.”

 

Dean shook his head. “Nah, you’d have worked it out...well I like to think you would have, but I’ll admit I never imagined Cas and I would be okay again when I first went to her. I didn’t really have a plan for it to get better, just needed to see how I could make it.. _ not worse _ .” 

 

“Guys like us Dean, aren’t meant to be alone.  Life is just...tasteless and dull without either of them.  I hate that it took us separating for me to realize that. I’ll tell you what though, it ain’t ever happenin again.  That’s for damn sure. I learned that lesson,” he said turning into headquarters. 

 

“Same here, we’re better than we’ve ever been and I’ll be honest man, it wasn’t easy getting back here. There was a while there, during the therapy, I thought for sure it wasn’t going to work because I was still trying to hold stuff in and Cas was terrified of pissing me off and then one night the dam just broke and it all came out,” He said, before grabbing their lunch pails from the small cooler behind the cab. “Next thing I knew we were laughing at one another and kissing and…”

 

Benny laughed, “Yeah,” he said with a shake of his head, “I know how that is brother.  So go home, spoil that precious husband of yours and I’ll be doin the same with my wife.  She’s at her mom’s right now, thinkin I’ll get home early and make up those steaks she likes so much,” Benny said biting his bottom lip.  He punched at Dean’s shoulder and grinned.

 

“Don’t get too carried away, Cas might actually wanna come over for dinner instead. I don’t know if it’s even research anymore, he likes hanging out with Eli,” Dean said, chuckling to himself. “One of these days I’m gonna talk him into keeping the munchkin overnight and give you guys some much needed alone time.” 

 

“Sounds great to me.  Why don’t you call me after you have your fill on sex and we’ll see if we can make it tonight?” Benny smirked clapping Dean on the back.

 

“Alright man, we better eat or we’re not gonna have time,” he said, gesturing to their still unopened lunches. He bit into his sandwich before shooting his husband a text.

 

<Plans tonight?

 

I don’t think so>

Did you want to do something?>

Or just me? Lol love you! >

 

Dean chuckled aloud drawing a head shake from Benny.

 

<Maybe a little of both. How do you feel about keeping Eli tonight?

<It’s okay to say no.

 

REALLY?!>

Benny and Andrea said it was okay?>

I would love to!>

Oh, I have to go to the grocery store now.>

 

Dean grinned, his ridiculous husband was almost too perfect. 

 

<Just be home by 5:30

<I have every intention of fulfilling  _ both _ of those plans.

 

You better mister >

I love you so much baby, can’t wait to see you at home!>

 

<Love you too sweetheart. See you soon xoxo

 

His grin was unbelievably wide as he looked up at Benny and chewed up the last of his sandwich. It earned him a piece of cracker to the face but Dean didn’t mind. He was more excited than he’d been in a long time.

 

* * *

  
  


“Oh! Oh fuck,” Castiel whimpered, teeth gnawing at his bottom lip as Dean pushed into him a few more times.  They were both sweaty, some of their clothes still hanging off a limb or two. Hell, they had barely made it into the bedroom when Dean all but tackled him onto the bed.

 

Dean collapsed down on him and Castiel grunted a little at the weight but he only pulled Dean closer, wrapping his arms and legs around his husband, “Mm, that was amazing baby,” Castiel hummed dragging his nails through Dean’s damp hair.

 

“Ungh,” he grunted in agreement, he was still sore and exhausted from work but loving Cas,  _ fucking _ Cas never felt like a chore. Always more pleasure than pain, even in the aftermath. “I’ll get up and get something to clean us up in a minute...just need a minute.” 

 

“You know I don’t mind you crushing me,” Castiel teased, turning his head to nip at Dean’s neck, “I love it, reminds me that this is real, that you’re here and this isn’t some kind of dream,” he said softly.

 

“Why do you think I love it so much when you sit on my lap?” Dean answered, a warm chuckle filling the small bit of space between them before he raised his neck just enough to give Cas a proper kiss. “Love you, sweetheart.” 

 

“I love you too baby,” Castiel replied and kissed Dean again.

 

Eventually, Dean pulled himself off the bed and grabbed up a couple of washcloths before leaning himself and then wetting the other for Cas. It might have just been easier to take a shower by the time he was finished but it felt like it would have been too much work. Once he got dressed again, Dean cracked the windows in their bedroom a bit, wanting the smell of their sex to air out a little. 

 

Castiel came out of their closet pulling on his jeans and a shirt that he wouldn’t mind Eli getting food all over or stretching out when he pulled at it.  He dragged his fingers through his hair and hurried into the kitchen to make sure he had everything that the toddler would need. Including a sippy cup and a play pen that they could keep at their house in cause this happened again.  He was pacing in the living room when he crashed right into a solid wall of muscle, “Oh, sorry Dean,” Castiel laughed softly.

 

Dean just wrapped his arms around his ridiculous husband and smiled. “I know you’re nervous, I know you’re excited too, it’s gonna be okay. It’s two to one, right? I mean he’s a tough little guy, beat me at arm wrestling the other day, but I’m pretty sure we can take him if he turns into a demon or something.” 

 

Castiel laughed, “I know, I can’t help it,” he said, resting his head on Dean’s chest.  It felt good having Dean hold him like this for a few minutes, only to break away when there was a steady knock on the door.  He jerked away from Dean and hurried to open it.

 

“Hey guys,” Benny called out with a wave, Eli sitting on his hip and a bag over his shoulder.

 

“Hey man,” Dean smiled, not even a little offended by Castiel’s rushing off to open the door. 

 

“Cah! Cah!” Eli squealed, wiggling around in his daddy’s arms. 

 

“Hi sweetie!” Castiel grinned reaching out for the baby.  There was a flutter in his chest when Eli squeezed around his neck, “How’s my best buddy huh?” he asked.

 

Benny couldn’t help but smile wide watching Castiel and his son.  The two disappeared into the house and Benny chuckled, “Should I be offended that he’s just using me for my kid?” he teased.

 

“Nah, be grateful for the free help,” Dean teased, smiling as he hitched a thumb over his shoulder to show Benny the playpen in the corner. “I think he’s pretty excited though, so maybe I should be thanking you.” 

 

Benny peeked inside the house and felt his throat tighten a bit.  He knew how much this meant to Dean, had heard countless times how much Dean wanted children.  And here Castiel was, working his ass off through his issues to give him that. Just that in itself made Benny forgive Castiel everything.  

 

A wide smile stretched his lips as he watched Castiel place his son on an interactive mat that Benny knew Castiel had just bought.  It was the same exact one Andrea had gotten a few weeks ago. 

 

Benny turned to Dean with a knowing look, “He’s ready Dean,” he said softly, giving his brother’s shoulder a squeeze before handing over the bag Andrea had packed for Eli

 

“I’m trying really hard not to get my hopes up but I’ve been thinking that too,” he confessed, bumping Benny gently toward the door. “Now go home and make that beautiful wife of yours the happiest woman alive”

 

“Yes sir,” Benny grinned and jogged out to this truck.

 

Castiel glanced up for a split second to see Dean staring intently at him, the door still wide open.  He felt the heat rush up his neck and smiled shyly. Eli made an excited noise and Castiel laughed softly, returning his attention to the toddler to play.  They stayed on the floor for awhile, up until Dean told them dinner was ready. 

 

Castiel didn’t even mind when Eli threw some of the food they had prepared for him right at his face.  It created a huge laughing fit and Castiel couldn’t remember the last time he’d heard Dean laugh that hard.

 

“C’mon bubby, time for a bath,” Castiel chuckled.  Eli made a sad face but thoroughly enjoyed all the bubbles he poured into the tub.  He was sitting on the toilet seat carefully watching him when he felt those eyes on him again.  Biting his lip he tore away from watching Eli to Dean leaning up against the bathroom doorway and smiled again.

 

“Thank you for making dinner,” he said and reached out for Dean’s hand.

 

“Thank you for this...for trying,” Dean said, his throat thick with emotion. He loved Eli and would have happily spent the entire night playing with the munchkin himself but Cas had pretty much monopolized the little guy’s time from the second he got there. “It’s still okay not to want-but uh, for the record. You’re really good with him.” 

 

Castiel gave him a knowing smile and kissed the back of Dean’s hand, “We’ll talk after we put him down for bed,” he said.  He saw the hitch in Dean’s next breath and Castiel’s smile widened. He’d known since the last time they spent time with Eli, he was just looking for a way to tell his husband.  Looking down at that precious little boy splashing crazily in the tub just solidified his decision. 

 

Getting Eli out of the water took some coaxing but Eli all but passed out in Castiel’s arms when he laid him down on the air mattress Dean had blown up earlier.  Castiel made sure the blankets surrounding him would keep him from rolling off of the bed and then stood up to move over to the dresser. The baby monitors had been something Castiel bought along with everything else that day.

 

“Goodnight bubby, you need anything you call for us and we’ll hear you okay?” Castiel said and kissed Eli’s forehead.

 

“K,” Eli answered, though his eyes were droopy he still felt like he wasn’t really tired. But then Cas had tucked him in with the warm blankets and goodnight kisses like his momma and daddy and he couldn’t stay awake anymore. 

 

Dean pressed his lips the the place on Eli’s forehead where Cas had done the same but the kid was already asleep. “Goodnight, munchkin.” 

 

He reached out for Cas’ hand and pulled him toward the door. He was going to take him to bed but Cas stopped to look back in on Eli. There was a longing in his eyes that sparked something heated in his gut. 

 

“You ready for bed?” he finally prompted, though Cas didn’t seem too eager to leave. 

 

Castiel closed the door, leaving it propped open an inch and then nodded at Dean, “Yeah, c’mon,” he said and took the lead pulling Dean down the hall towards their bedroom.  The door was barely closed when he pushed his husband down on the bed and crawled into his lap, “Have I told you lately how much I love you?” Castiel said leaning in to pepper kisses along Dean’s jaw and the side of his neck. 

 

“Maybe once or twice,” Dean answered, grunting as his husband rolled his hips and that beautiful ass he loved so much was dragged roughly against his dick through the thin sweats he’d changed into after his shower. 

 

“Fuck Cas...mmm what’s, what’s brought this on?” he asked, though neither of them really needed a  _ reason _ , he could feel something building behind those big blue eyes.

 

Castiel didn’t answer at first, just reveled in the feeling of Dean hard and pressed against him in all the right places.  Though it wasn’t nearly enough. He crawled off of Dean wordlessly and before Dean could complain at him he dragged Dean’s sweats off and then got naked himself before he was back in Dean’s lap.  They kissed and rutted against each other for a bit before Castiel was scrambling for the lube in the nightstand.

 

“I never in a million years thought I’d ever get to this point.  I was set in a decision that I was sure of until I met you,” he said softly, grunting a little as he stretched himself.  Dean looked a little torn that he wasn’t doing the prepping but Castiel just kissed that pout away.

 

“After everything, I didn’t think I’d get to be this happy again but I am,” he continued and then gently pushed Dean down until he was flat on his back and slowly sunk down on his husband’s cock.  Both of them groaned and Castiel rolled his hips.

 

“I wanna start a family with you baby.  I’ve made up my mind and I’m ready. I  _ want _ this,” he said, breathing a little heavier.

 

Dean surged forward and pulled at Cas until their mouths crashed together with an almost brutal force. He nipped and sucked and licked until he was gasping and then he just dove back in again as soon as he’d managed to pull in a breath. 

 

“Fuck sweetheart,” Dean groaned, the words swallowed in their kiss as he started to help Cas find his rhythm. “That’s it.ungh, that’s it baby.” 

 

Castiel pressed their foreheads together as he kept the rhythm slow, needing to feel his husband deep inside him.  His nails were gently scratching at Dean’s shoulder and scalp, a deep moan leaving his lips when Dean pushed up into him.

 

“Feels so good baby,” Castiel gasped, tilting his head to let Dean have more room to mark up his neck.

 

Dean took the opening for what it was, he could have spent hours, days teasing at the soft warm skin of Castiel’s neck. It was one of a few different places that he could use to turn his husband into a writhing mess. He kept it light though, he could see Castiel’s need to make it last, even without the slow, languid pace of his hips. 

 

They kept the slow pace for a while, until Castiel’s legs began to burn and he eased them down onto the bed where Dean was hovering over him, “Are you happy?” Castiel asked softly, a mewl following when Dean pushed back into him.  He wrapped his legs tightly around Dean’s waist and moaned softly as his husband continued with the gentle thrusts.

 

“I’ve been happy since the moment we decided we were going to try again, Cas...but yes, I want a family with you, It’s-” Dean said, his legs trembling a bit as his stamina started to wain. “It’s what I’ve always wanted and more than I ever thought I’d get.” 

 

Castiel leaned up and kissed Dean deeply, his hips pushing up, “Come on baby,” he moaned, quickening the pace.  He held Dean close as they worked together to get close to the edge, “Yes, yes, right there,” he whined and shuddered hard as Dean barely got a hand around his cock.  He came with a moan and bit down on his lip as he felt more than heard Dean follow shortly after.

 

“Mmm, don’t move yet,” he all but begged.

 

It was a playfulness that washed over him after the rush of his orgasm filtered out. He found himself chuckling a bit but he was in no rush to move. “You know I can’t  _ actually _ get you pregnant right?”

 

Castiel chuckled and slapped at Dean’s ass, “Still fun to pretend though right?” he grinned and turned his head to get a lazy kiss from his husband, “I bet you wish you could though huh?” he teased.

 

“It is,” Dean grinned, “And if I could actually do it, I’m pretty sure the minute Benny picks his kid up tomorrow, you’d be handcuffed to his bed until it happened...and maybe after that.” 

 

It was a nice thought, but he didn’t let himself dwell on it. They could adopt or use a surrogate or something else, really he didn’t mind. Dean wasn’t picky when it came down to it, he just wanted a family, wanted people to take care of, people to protect. Cas was enough, but he was more than a little happy to hear his husband wanted that too. 

 

“Ungh, can we do that anyway?” Castiel groaned, the idea of it making his cock twitch, “You know how much I love it when you use me,” he grinned.  Castiel pulled a bit at Dean’s hair until his husband was looking down at him and Castiel pecked at his lips, “There’s something else I wanted to tell you about but I got distracted,” he smirked, looking down at how close their bodies were still pressed together.

 

“Whatever you want, sweetheart.” Dean said, nuzzling against Cas’ neck again. 

 

Castiel hummed at the attention, getting lost in it for a few minutes before he remembered again, “I have a friend at work that I think would be perfect as a surrogate.  I’ve been talking about you and me for a while now and mentioned a couple of times that I was getting used to the idea of having kids. She made a comment about being our surrogate but I’m not one hundred percent sure if she was serious,” he said, kissing at Dean’s shoulder before pushing his husband off of him.  He nearly fell trying to stand on unsteady legs and laughed as he went to find his phone still in his pocket of his pants.

 

“Well not that I’m complaining here, but...we don’t have to move this fast,” Dean said, reaching into the nightstand to grab a wet wipe. “There’s no rush here, Sweetheart. You can think on it a little longer if you want. I just don’t want you to have any regrets.” 

 

Castiel finally found his phone and hurried back to the bed.  He let Dean clean him up before he settled on his back close to him, “I’m not.  I promise, I just...from the moment I saw her I thought about it and the longer that I get to know her, the more sure I am.  This is her,” he said and opened Jess’s facebook page and waited for Dean’s reaction.

  
  


“Wow,’ Dean said, looking at the girl. The longer he stared at the photo the more she started to look like his mother. There was absolutely no sexual attraction to the girl, but she was undeniably beautiful. 

 

“Are you-Did you-” he wasn’t sure how to ask if Cas did it on purpose, if he saw the same things that Dean had when he looked at her. If the handful of old photos he kept on his nightstand had been a driving force in him seeing the potential of her to be a surrogate. 

 

“I did,” Castiel said softly,  knowing exactly what Dean was trying to ask.  It wasn’t just the blonde hair and the blue eyes that resembled Dean’s mother but her heart as well.  All the stories Dean told him coincided with what he knew of Jess and the moment he knew he was ready to have a family, Jess was the first person that popped into his head.  It wouldn’t matter to him what their baby would end up looking like but he knew deep down how much it would mean to Dean to have a son or daughter that resembled his mother.

 

“Okay, okay...if she- if she wants to, we uh, we’ll do it,” Dean said, feeling his chest fill with warmth and affection. 

 

Castiel put his phone down and curled into his husband’s side, his hand rubbing soothing circles along his chest.  He could feel how hard Dean’s heart was beating. It worried him for a split second but when he looked up to see the awed expression on Dean’s face he just smiled and kissed him softly, “I love you,” he said.

 

“Love you too,” he answered, letting a quiet settle between them as the thought about the twists and turns that may or may not be coming into his life. He was certainly getting more out of it than he ever imagined possible. Before Cas, well...he didn’t think there’d be  _ anything _ before Cas. When they got together Dean had found his hope, his faith, his  _ reason _ .

 

Then he’d lost that, he’d lost  _ everything _ and he could still remember what that felt like, the soul crushing weight of it pressing down on him. But now, now he had Cas back and they were seriously considering starting a family together and it was like all of his dreams swirled around him as they gently slid into place in his life. He had Cas, they had a home they loved, and maybe some time in the near future, they’d have a baby. 

 

Dean felt the warm tear slide down to his ear from his awkward angle on the bed, but he just smiled up at his gorgeous husband. 

 

Castiel gently wiped it away and kissed each cheek, “You wanna get changed and watch some tv or you ready to sleep?” he asked quietly, not wanting to ruin the peace in their bedroom.

 

“Let’s just lay here, just lay here with me…” Dean said, holding Cas in his arms was the only thing he needed in that moment, and thankfully his husband was always happy to comply. 

* * *

  
  
  


“Mary Winchester, get your butt in here right now!” Castiel shouted from the kitchen.  Usually, he could keep his cool but his kids were trying to kill him today. Mary came into the room with her eyes downcast but Castiel saw right through the six year old.  Her three year old brother toddled in after her and laughed gleefully at the giant mess that was now Castiel’s kitchen.

 

Before Castiel could even ask Mary looked up at him and he deflated instantly.

 

“I’m sorry dad,” she said.  Castiel sighed heavily and shook his head.

 

“Let me guess, you were trying to be a big girl and make Robbie lunch?” he asked.  Mary nodded and Castiel couldn’t help chuckling.

 

“Big girls know when to ask for help sweetheart and also when to admit they did something wrong,” he scolded and reached under the sink to get a towel.  After instructing her how to clean up he stood back and secretly took a picture.

 

<Your children are tyrants.

<But also kind of cute.

 

He chuckled as he sent the message and the picture to Dean.  He helped with the clean up but not too much, wanting Mary to learn her lesson as well as how to clean up after herself.  Once it was done Castiel went to task of getting them their lunches ready.

 

Why are they always my kids when they’re making trouble?>

Yeah they are kinda adorable>

They get that from you>

 

<Well they’re MINE when they’re cute and adorable lol

<Cause you’re always the troublemaker and love to cause mischief with them when you’re home.

<Given me all kinds of grey hair 

 

Castiel grinned, looking up when he saw little hands reaching up.

 

“Da?” Robbie said and Castiel laughed, leaning down.

 

“Yes, I’m talking to Daddy,” he said.  Robbie smiled all big and Castiel turned the phone to take a picture of the two of them.  Mary squeezed in at the last second cause Castiel to get a picture of him laughing and half of Mary’s face in the frame.  He took another one of them posing and kissed each of his kids on the forehead. 

 

It was no secret which of their sperm fertilized for each of their kids.  Mary had the blonde hair and green eyes while Robbie had the darker brown hair with blue eyes.  They’d used Jess both times for their kids and she even came over to babysit for them a few times.

 

After Castiel got them settled in for lunch Castiel sent the pictures off, suddenly realizing that he hadn’t sent the last ones either.  Laughing a little at himself he sent the batch and started making his own food.

 

Dean had fought being a foreman like a damn viper but when Benny decided to make the leap, he realized it might not be as bad as he’d thought. Sure, the hours weren’t the same but the energy that he had left at the end of the day was much higher now. He enjoyed playing with his kids but the back-breaking work he’d put in as a crew member had left him drained and a little grumpy at the end of the day. He faked it for Cas and for the kids for a while but then decided a job that was less taxing might be the way to go.

 

He signed off on a couple contracts and then pulled his phone out to check his messages. 

 

Cas had sent him a few adorable pictures and Dean’s heart clenched in his chest.

 

You’re making it very hard to stay at work.>

 

<Sorry baby

<but not really lol

<the kids miss you, Robbie always knows when I’m talking to you and reaches for the phone saying Da.

 

Castiel sighed softly and looked over at the kids with a warm smile.  Mary was helping Robbie not make a mess and swallowed hard at the sudden lump in his throat.  He loved his little family so much.

 

<Anything special you want for dinner?

 

You on a platter an option?>

 

Dean grinned down at his phone. 

 

I’m fine with whatever>

Just can’t wait to get home>

Love you and miss you guys>

 

Castiel laughed a little and put his phone down.  It had been nearly over seven years since they chose to get back together and still they were hungry for each other in more ways than just physical.  He never once imagined his life turning out like this but as he looked at his children and felt the anticipation of his husband coming home, he didn’t regret a single second of it.  


End file.
